LIVE BUGLEAGUE CAM:
9/17
Gomplex is back, no one has ever smoked an interview like i just did. They’re begging me to take this job. And i might! It was a good interview i liked the company. We shall see! Another one tomorrow with a different company but I’m feeling really confident now which is great.
It really don’t take much.
9/17
If Elon musk hadn’t ruined everything by buying twitter, i would know what everyone was thinking about Alien Earth. Instead i have to intentionally seek it out by going on Reddit dot com, a place i have always been scared to go to. The issue over there is that it is one hundred percent the type of people who leave comments online. If you know what i mean. Most normal people don’t do that. Creates a horrible atmosphere, but sometimes they have information that i want. Such as are you guys rocking with Timothy Olyphant to the degree that i am? I am going in to reddit to find out.
9/16
I saw a guy straddling a motorcycle googling “how to ride a motorcycle”. Well i didn’t see it, i imagined it, which is nearly as good as seeing it. Welcome to my wonderful cheerful mind. (Had a good therapy session).
Every day of my life is so much better thanks to my friend Couchie.
9/16
I think i deserve a clone. We would be equitable about it. One of us wouldn’t go evil. It would be nice and amicable really. There wouldn’t be one that grows an evil goatee and ends up wearing an eyepatch and becomes obsessed over who the True Bugleague is. That wouldn’t happen we would be normal. So science… let’s do this guys. Hit my line let’s make something happen.
9/16
If i do an emoji on here does it look normal? 🙎specifically this one🙎
I’ve written up my ratings for all of the nonbinary apple emojis and i think it’s really good actually. But maybe this is not the place to post it idk. Lmk yall. Spent half the day applying to jobs and the other half rating nonbinary emojis yesterday. Then i watched a vampire movie. Good use of time imo.
9/15
Been “feeling weird”. I find I’m saying that all the time lately which is so stupid. What i should be doing is having a beautiful mindset.
What I’m fealing weird about today is job. Three things here:
I feel really self conscious and embarrassed about how long I’ve been saying i want to quit my job. Feels so pathetic that i haven’t been able to get myself out of there yet, and i feel like the people who care about me most are watching me do this thing where i don’t solve my problem and then it continues to hurt me. And i have trouble contending with this feeling beyond naming it. The solution is to do the thing.
So i am doing the thing. Remade my resume and started really aggressively going out for jobs this weekend. I’ve taken a few calls today from recruiters, i have ten or so applications out, TWO interviews on Wednesday, and ideally more after that. I don’t like doing job-speak but I’m improving maybe? I worry that the degree to which i don’t buy into it all comes through. I should be feeling good about this but it stresses me. Such is my nature. I will feel better when it is over.
There’s all this other stuff that i can’t really do until i handle job. But it’s stuff i want to do and am excited for. Thinking strongly about getting a cat perhaps. Want to bleach my hair again and of course pierce my ears. Having some interesting new thoughts on gender id like to explore some more i feel like every time i feel I’ve got it nailed down i find out there’s more there. In a good way.
I think I’ll go to the gym and fix everything real quick. Easy actually.
9/13
Go to Xfinity to have them remove the extra $12 charge they’ve been applying to my Internet bill each month.
+$12/month. Feel good about saving that money.
Immediately commit to $25 monthly donation to World Wildlife Fund because an autistic trans girl told me she loved my curls and godzila shirt.
-$13/month
Cancel my other $20 monthly charity donation because frankly i cannot afford both right now. And they got three good years out of me (i signed up in a near identical situation, women who work soliciting in wicker park for charitable orgs have got my fucking number). Feel bad about it.
+7/month + guilty conscience
Cancel streaming service i am not using
+15/month that still feels like not really making a dent
Stop buying dozens of vhs tapes and going out to eat all the time: untold thousands saved. Time will tell. Just as soon as i go to spain real quick.
Trying to get my costs down so i can worry less about new jobs. That’s still going on fyi, it’s just not been going well.
9/12
I think i figured out why i love my They hat so much. There’s nothing i love more than clothes that are extremely on the nose about my whole deal. Makes me feel like a cartoon character.
My favorite shirt of all time, which i was so scared of losing that i ordered four extra copies of, is a bright colored scene of all different kinds of animals together in communion with “KEEP US AROUND” down at the bottom. It stirs something in me.
Walking around today wearing my green shirt with the earth on it that says “my world, your world, OUR world”.
My other favorite shirts are all dog centric. And then there’s my butterfly motif shirts. One of which is just a butterfly and the name FRAN.
Being on the nose is awesome. I’m like fuck yeah that rocks. I want another hat that just says ENGINEER.
Okay actually here’s my idea: black hat with Velcro patch that i can swap out the word on depending on the day.
Okay actually im just reinventing heathcliff helmets. But that’s the point kind of. I like feeling like I’d fit right into a comic strip. Im a sucker for good character design.
9/11
I’m about to crash out there is literally no way to turn off the setting on my phone that smooths out my skin in every photo. I’m going to kill steve apple i already have body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria, i don’t need you fucking me up like this. I know what i look like!!! I have eyes. More useless bullshit bells and whistles forced down my throat!! When will tech companies learn that i know better than they do what i want. I don’t want an AI breakdown of my google search that gets in the way of what i actually searched for!! Fuck you!! I don’t need motion smoothing on my tv, it’s ugly as fuck and if people actually wanted it, you’d be charging for it!!! I don’t want my shit to be enhanced!! I am experienced in taking and editing photos!! I don’t need your help, i know more than you. They shove all of these “helpful” things between the user and the actual tool such that it is impossible to use unless you are stupid. I think this time I’m really gonna do it. 2026 is dumb phone year. You’re about to be getting green texts from me idgaf i can’t do this no more.
9/11
I don’t think there’s anything more embarrassing than someone in a tiktok sort of just hanging out in the foreground while they impotently wait for the video behind them to finish playing so they can say something about it. Sometimes they make a face while it’s going on as if to say “i disagree with what’s going on, just you wait until i tell you about it”. Sometimes they start the video like “you need to see this” and then they just stay there. Gives me the ick the yuck the hooblek. Nothing worse than a middle aged man doing this. Hank Green i will Fucking Get You.
Anyways I’m thinking it’s time for me to stop being addicted to Instagram reels, which is something i did on purpose to prove a point.
9/11
I just found out all ceramic toilets are made by hand and it’s making me emotional.
Toilet ceramicists you are so loved.
9/10
Thinking about one of my friends in 4th grade telling everybody he discovered secret characters on smash bros that you could only unlock by touching the disk with a wire from the inside of the Wii while it was running. Lmao. Currently doing this to homebrew my Wii.
9/9
You might think it’s getting warmer again. But it’s actually not.
Now that summer is over and it’s not going to be hot anymore, which is true, it’s time for me to lock in and get my money right. Just as soon as i go to Spain real quick. But after that. I’ll be able to put it all together.
9/8
Federal agent at my fucking door asking me who lives there. ICE and cops swarming the blue line station with K-9 units. Concerning!
I’m getting addicted to creating miis on the Nintendo Wii. I’m good at it.
9/8
Procrastinating.
Feeling normal today. I’m glad i went back to stl, and I’m also glad to be home. I like it here. Played a bunch of Wii last night and lost track of time but that’s okay because i my sleep schedule was already so weird this weekend that i think it evened out.
@mothbaby said this weekend was like being in college again. And true.
Stay prayed up.
9/7
Thank you god Jesus for the city of Saint Louis. Stunning really how much of my recent weirdness can be attributed to homesickness. St. Louis invented love and friendship and if you haven’t been there you haven’t experienced it. Love all my friends so dearly, it was so great to see you all again.
I’m back in Chicago, renewed in strength. And i have my parents Nintendo Wii. So I’m up. Once more.
Woke up on the train to a random flashback to a song from a twilight zone episode that me and my high school gf were obsessed with.
Dragon Ball would have be better if Future Trunks was nonbinary, but main timeline trunks wasn’t.
9/4
What this world needs more than anything is the return of The Outbursts of Everett True
9/4
Thrilled to announce that it is officially long sleeve shirt under t shirt time. I’m like the groundhog but real. It’s fall now.
9/2
I went to therapy and then the gym and then i helped a guy push his car to the gas station. Now im feeling more like Goku. Or at least Krillin.
Lowkey feeling like Shinji
I have concluded my bender. And today i am feeling Odd. In need of a factory reset of some sort.
I just saw an Eagle. Why does Eagle autocapitalize? I just saw a hawk i just saw a bear i just saw a bird i just saw a beaver i just saw a worm. Okay weird.
I feel the need to Solve what’s been going on with me lately. Clearly the bender didn’t help. Didn’t hurt either, i had fun and made some new friends. But on my return to normal, nothing has changed. I’m on the case.
Think i will take a break from social media (including here) soon. Gotta get off my phone. Soon, but not now. I have some things to do first.
8/29
I forget how much fun parties are. And how often i am very good at them. I am so fond of everyone. Now, time to dwell on the one word i said weird after my Nth drink.
Okay yall i have elected to come to stl next weekend. But won’t be back in time for zine release :/ i will text the relevant parties soonly to make arrangements. Gobless.
Party was just what i needed to fix my recent weirdness. I love M so much, and it was so good to meet more of their friends and just have a big laugh. I think i am making progress on becoming real friends with L, independent of M, as well as a few of Ms other friends. My power and influence continues to grow. And it must be remembered that all of this is happening because i got a new couch. None of this could have transpired if not for Couchie.
Golf was fine mostly but i don’t want to talk about it. Not going again if i can help it.
8/26
I understand that the rules for right wing fabricated outrage are that we adopt the opposite position from them because they are insane and evil, but the new Cracker Barrel logo was worse. It was just not worse in a woke way. It was worse in a corporate reblanding way. Coining “reblanding” feel free to use, i feel there will be plenty of opportunity for this.
My idea to give everyone what they want is to change the name to this:
CrkrBrl (She/Her)
The cause of all your woes is capitalism. Obviously.
8/26
They are making me play golf tomorrow and i have never been more pissed. Had a stress dream about it last night. I wish this coworker would learn to LEAVE ME ALONE. Instead of going behind my back to my boss and signing me up to golf with him because i “never have any fun”. First off this is not fun for me. Second off i fucking hate your guts. Third off ask me first next time. Prick.
Anyways ignoring how angry i am right now, i had fun last night. Went out to dinner with M & L and a couple of their friends for Ms birthday. I was feeling like the gift i had wasn’t good but then i stopped feeling like that because i hit it out of the park sort of. After dinner we got ice cream and went to a bar and i talked to L for a while. I really want her to like me. But i want everyone to like me.
Trying to unclench my jaw. I don’t want to golf i don’t want to golf i don’t want to golf i don’t want to golf. Not sure I’ll be able to hide my disdain tomorrow. And so what.
8/25
Gender litmus test: if you think that my hat that says THEY on it in huge letters is extremely funny, you understand my gender. If you think this is like a pronoun pin, it’s actually nothing like that. At all. If anything it’s like I’m supporting my favorite team, the Chicago THEMs.
At goodwill and the cashier, quick on his feet, calls me something between Man and Ma’am. He understood the assignment. He’s getting extra credit actually. Also fine to just loudly substitute THEY in for any gendered word, no conjugation needed.
8/25
Network down at work. Could be all week. So i am putting on a light jacket and running errands. Wearing my new Funny Hat and trying to gauge how funny it is to anyone other than me. God bless.
8/24
Alien Earth is so good it’s genuinely doing everything i always wanted from Alien. What other kind of weird goobers are out there in space? What’s going on with earth? Cyborg android transhumanist stuff. Retro futurist tech with clicky buttons and knobs. As much as i liked Romulus, it felt more like a really good fan film. Which in some ways it was. But this is like. (So far) a real exploration of the ideas of the original and i think Prometheus as well, just folded into the mainline stuff a little more coherently. Idk if we’ll get any engineer or black goo stuff, but the creator/creation immortality mind/body problem stuff is wicked and right up front. A treat for sickos like me. Timothy Oliphant android with bleached white hair i have grown so fond of you.
8/24
Having an archetypical Sunday. Woke up hungover, lurched around the apartment until noon. Showered and called my sister. Walked to the farmers market and didn’t get anything but enjoyed the company. The cross walk guy always makes me laugh, he gave me a high five today. Walked to the coffee shop i like and got the green citrus tea i like and a slice of zucchini bread. Kept on walking and stumbled upon a peach tree growing in someone’s yard (i think they were peaches as least) and a little yard sale. Smiled at a baby who smiled right back while waiting to cross the street. Walked through the park which is hosting some sort of event playing live music. Sat under a tree reading my book. It is mid seventies and sunny with a breeze. It is so peaceful. Excellent.
Had a weird freak out on Friday, but i think I’m better now. As content as i am with everything right now i have been feeling very alone lately. Only thing that can be done about that is keep trying.
8/22
Finished up some of my apartment-ings and cleaned up my mess and I’m really happy with how everything is working together. This is literally my world.
Settling into feeling good about where i am with everything. Life is awesome.
8/21
It has come to my attention that every morning i do the Charlie Brown walk as I’m coming into the office, and every afternoon when i leave i am smiling and skipping and jumping. Barely an exaggeration. Anyways I’m leaving work early again. Walking to the train doing triple jumps like Mario.
8/21
Ever since visiting @ashley i have developed an infatuation with Eric Adams. He is like a specimen to me i love to study his behavior.
My couch arrived yesterday, a full week early, and i was so excited that i left work early to go home and bring it inside. Caught on my neighbors ring camera hauling three 90lb boxes up the stairs to my apartment by myself.
Put the couch together and didn’t even really take the time to enjoy it before moving onto my other projects. Something has seriously shifted in me and i need to keep pulling on this thread i think.
FaceTimed my sister for a couple hours while i was painting furniture and finally had a good debrief about all my recent family drama. I love her so much she understands me so well that it is incredibly easy to tell her anything. She understood the nuance with which i have been upset with my mother, bless her misguided heart.
On pace to finish two of my little projects this evening, just in time for M to come over tomorrow. Haven’t seen them in a while and I’m excited to see them, but equally excited to have someone to walk around my apartment and point at all the things I’ve done recently.
I think depending on how the last coat of paint comes out, i have a few other pieces of furniture I’d like to sand down and repaint, trying to figure out if it’s tacky or inspired to paint them all the same color (orange).
Before that though i gotta figure out my guitar situation. I need to find someone even smarter than me to ask about this.
But my vision is coming together. Slowly but surely. As foretold.
Reflecting on some of what i read in Braiding Sweetgrass a couple days ago about animism and the implicit ways in which the English language is shaped to restrict personhood not only to humans, but also within that group. I have long joked that everything is a person to me, but this is something i genuinely find is true to me, and has been the case for most of my life. Kimmerer says this is something we are born doing, and are slowly corrected into seeing everything as an “it”, an object not a subject.
Braiding Sweetgrass and Parable of the Sower categorized as “books that reveal truths that have always felt self evident to me, and god is it such a relief to have it validated in this way, makes me feel less alone”. I need to be reading more.
8/20
When my couch gets here it’s over for you motherfuckers.
Made dinner and worked on my projects last night feeling so gratified by being able to put my brain and body behind something that i actually give a fuck about. Working is fun and i am so good at it, but i dont care about jobs. I love working with my hands. I must get into carpentry somehow.
8/19
Life hack: leave work early again.
8/18
Wait maybe I’m literally doing well. Went to my local hardware store to buy some sandpaper. The owner was the only employee and was really nice. Fuck Home Depot, I’m a Yu’s Hardware guy from now on. i waved my one sheet of sandpaper around the neighborhood on my walk home like yes I’m literally butch. Sanded down some furniture in the alley and had some nice interactions with neighbors. Literally drinking high life. Finished sanding exactly as it started to rain. Brought that shit inside and I’m painting primer now. I have had this little table for since i moved to Chicago i found it in the alley but it’s drifted around and sort of just been a space filler but even just with the white coat on it looks actually nice. I think I’m going to paint the base orange and leave the top white maybe ? Unless i want to get a little fancy with it and do green or something in the center. We shall see, I’ll probably finish priming tonight and then take another look at it tomorrow after therapy.
Moral of the story, projects will fix you.
8/18
I am finding myself in what I would call a "funk". I'm not depressed exactly, it's sort of different from that. But anyway I am feeling down and off in a way that has been so annoying more than anything. I've been doing so much stuff lately that makes me think "thats so bugleague", and yet that's not really getting to the root of the funk.
I have elected to displace the funk with consumption, as I finally got paid and my family paid me back some of what they owe me. This, i feel like talking about. Pouring my energy primarily into "Home Improvement".
I bought a CRT VHS combo tv on marketplace and its awesome. I am working on getting it set up in my fireplace as my sort of auxiliary tv, which has turned out to be more of a project than anticipated, this is a good thing.
I ordered a couch online that one of my friends already owns and got a good deal on it and already know its the exact type of couch experience I am looking for. I am very excited for this because the apartment has been in a bit of a limbo as I've been looking for a couch. Once the couch gets here then the old one goes into my second room, which I have big plans for.
Went shopping for birthday gifts for M and E, and came home empty handed except for a cute top I bought myself, as well as like fifteen VHS tapes. I'm in movie mode, especially renewed by the new tv and rearranging of the living room.
Bought new curtains for my second room, which I'm really trying to brand as "my study" because I think that is so funny, but I haven't committed to it hard enough that I can call it my study without explaining that I'm doing a funny joke.
Got throw pillows which are going to match so well with the couch when it gets here. Never thought I'd be buying throw pillows but I have grown and changed.
Got new sheets. This will fix me.
Went to the hardware store mostly on a fact finding mission.
Project One is I have plaster walls with a picture rail, which is how you are supposed to hang/mount things with plaster walls. What I want is to mount my guitars on the wall, but I don't trust drilling into the plaster, plus I don't even own a drill. Exactly one manufacturer used to make guitar mounts specifically meant for picture rails, and they stopped producing them like three years ago. Reddit is full of guitar players in old houses lamenting their discontinuation. So I'm looking for solutions there.
Project Two is the aforementioned tv in the fireplace dilemma. The TV is just about the size of the fireplace, which is perfect. Only the issue is that the fireplace has a gas hookup right around the middle of the floor, so the tv can not sit all the way back and be centered. So my thinking is I'll build a little platform for it to sit above the hookup, and I'd prefer for it to sit a little higher anyways. I think I've gotten something that works best for the tools I have at hand, my initial thinking was to cut some plywood to size and screw in some supports around the perimeter, but I don't have a saw or a drill, and getting the supplies from the hardware store to me would be a huge pain. Going to try and put it all together this week, we'll see how it goes.
Other notable bugleague-ings from the past week:
Went out for drinks with my ex girlfriends ex boyfriend, E. That guy really likes me. We had a good time, closed out the bar. I think he is becoming "my drinking buddy", which is so funny to me.
Getting ma'amed at my local burger joint.
Wearing bandanas in new and inventive ways.
Listening to a lot of 70s music for some reason.
Having dreams that my work enemies go viral and are summarily canceled by leftist twitter, as a result I am a hero of the people and am given better job offers where they will respect me.
Playing skyrim again again.
Really trying with online dating and somehow still having no luck. God willing I will figure out what my problem is.
Getting kind of doomer about it all. Having trouble believing anything other than that those in power are literally in some sort of apocalyptic death cult. The simplest explanation for the state of things is that the goal is mass suffering, destruction, and inevitably some form of extinction. Trying not to dwell on it. Something must be done. So I'm watching a bunch of movies to Not Think About It.
Walking around a lot without headphones in lately. Trying to be more present in the world. Open to interaction, insofar as you can be walking around on the street. Just been doing a lot of walking in general too.
Think thats it for now.
8/10
Crazy ass week but here’s where i stand now. Came out to my parents in a really messy way, not my choice. That’s all still shaking out. My mom is being supportive but stressing me the fuck out because in addition she found my hormones and is being super weird about it. Got really stressed and upset about it all yesterday after she sent me a really worrying text and said she’d give me a call later and then never called me. Talked to unclealtoid on the phone about it all which was helpful. I love that girl.
Went to the bar to be around people and alcohol, and i had a very nice time. They really do love me at this bar I’m thinking about applying to work doors on the weekends i already am frequently doing little things to help out around the bar what if they paid me for it. Well in a way they already do because i often drink for free. Talked movies and explained my family drama to my favorite bartender K, and we took shots with some randos after he got cut.
Went home feeling a lot better about everything. This is my world up here in chicago, and none of that family nonsense needs to weigh on me so much. I’m chilling. Could be better but I’m chilling.
Been watching a bunch of movies, mostly to keep my mind off of everything but also because i love movies.
I’ve determined i need to get a book of sudoku to do when i am out and about on my own so i can do something less vulnerable than drawing and less visibly antisocial than playing games on my phone.
Had a dream where i was vaguely in Skyrim so i started another playthrough today. Comforting. I’m home.
Okay bye ttyl
8/8
Something i said out loud yesterday in my apartment “im so fond of everyone”. And i really am.
Just like every other time ive been in a weird place emotionally, i have been informed that several of those damned planets are in retrograde again. I don’t know enough about anything other than when Mercury is in retrograde it fucks me up every time.
As always, i would love for a beautiful woman to come over and tell me about astrology like im stupid.
Getting really good at sudoku. Mandela theory where it used to be called suduko. (Mandela theory is what you call it when you are wrong about something).
8/6
So was Christ his last name or is that like a title. Was it Joseph Christ and Mary Christ, or did he just make that shit up. I feel like we weren’t doing last names back then we hadn’t used up all the first names yet.
Pretend i capitalized all of the pronouns.
Leaving work early fuck blue lives.
8/6
Yesterday was a flop.
Nauseous today.
I am having money problems because my family won’t pay me back for the plane tickets i bought for them. Awesome.
Need to watch a piece of shit movie to cope.
8/4
oh brother. A lot going on with me rn. Feels like too much perhaps. Feeling somewhat dysregulated. In michigan with my family, leaving tonight. Trip has been good but I fear I need to lie down with my hands on my belly and be like ouuoouaauuughhhhh my life...
Took my dog to the beach for the first time in her life and she not only loved it but she was so well behaved she was the most polite sweet little dog on dog beach. I am sunburnt and still pale. Baby deer in the back yard. I like michigan.
Read The Summer Book by Tove Jansson yesterday. So good. I have done this weird thing of saving her work for myself because I got a sense of how much it was right up my alley and didn't want to spoil it or something. I am letting it trickle into my mind and it is nourishing me.
Reading Braiding Sweetgrass now. This has also been very nourishing to me.
I think I'm getting the summer crazies. Too much stuff happening. Need to get back into routine. Need to slow down some.
7/31
Dreamt that i got hired to be on SNL and then right after i got hired a bunch of my teeth fell out. Felt the teeth come lose and spit them into my hand, then i accidentally dropped them down the sink and i was like shit, well i can’t put them back on now. But the show must go on.
Left work early yesterday bc they didn’t give me nothing to do and M texted me that they were off work. And that’s my friend. And we have opposite schedules which is evil. So i went home and made myself some lunch, showered, changed, then M picked me up.
We went shopping and i got some good stuff. Then we went and got dinner at this really good Chinese restaurant. And literally while we were talking about their friend J, who I’m contemplating having a crush on, they texted and invited us out. Kismet.
Stopped by Ms old place to drop off their keys, then went to their new place so they could change and i drank some of their beer and we walked to the bar down the street to meet with J and go to a drag show which was fun. I literally hadn’t been to one before it was awesome. I love gay people.
Went back to Ms and they were reading me picture books while i ordered my uber and it was cracking me up. If it was up to me i would never have to stop hanging out with them. But unfortunately i “have to work”.
Went home and got not enough sleep but was still 90 minutes late to work. Pissed off about being here and now they Are asking me to do shit so I’m even more pissed off. Where were you two days ago when i wasn’t hungover.
Family vacation sort of this weekend. I’m not taking off of work and my bitch ass boss scheduled a bunch of meetings that he said he wants me to be at in person like last minute so I’m going to have to leave early. I want to quit so bad but i don’t want to have a new job. Or i do but i don’t want to have to do it. I want free money. I want to have free time. UHUUGGHHHHHH
I get to see my doggy tomorrow. And probably hang out with M again. All is fine. But i want to be asleap right now.
7/27
Scientists say i have the neuroplasticity of a toddler. Scientists say damn that They can learn.
The things i am focusing on Learning right now are cooking and drawing, but that’s certainly not all. I’ve been writing songs again and if you can believe it i feel I’ve improved on that since the last time i was regularly writing.
I wrote a big long thing on here earlier and deleted it about my reservations around sharing my music which was really just unnecessarily harsh to myself, but one thing i said that i think holds merit is that my songwriting comes from a much more sincere and vulnerable place that i am self conscious of, and that’s a large part of why i struggle with it. It’s more honest, there’s no wink. I love to wink. But sometimes i don’t. It’s hard to let go of that plausible deniability. Having said that, two of the songs i wrote over the last couple weeks i think are very funny actually. So whatever i guess.
With regards to sharing my music/my fear of performance, i Am working on it. And i will be ready when i am ready, and i am getting a lot of stuff ready and Learning a lot in the meantime.
Something to bear in mind about me is that despite my genius Mensa intellect, and my great sense of humor, and my general kindness with which i attempt to approach all things, and my burgeoning creative skills, is i am literally shy. I’m actually shy before all of those other things.
Made a decent stir fry tonight. Focusing on that as an achievement.
I am like a YouTube comment “come to Brazil” guy but for Chicago. Come to Chicago. Think Mirror.
7/26
Just did the sidewalk shuffle with a cute old man dressed like Charlie Brown. 100 years good luck.
7/26
Two ladders across the sidewalk blocking the entire thing. Making the decision that walking under one ladder is seven years bad luck, but the second one cancels it out. If anyone tells you different they’re lying. Like throwing salt over your shoulder after spilling the salt. The tool to your salvation is the very same thing that damned you in the first place. So says me. Please, i only just stopped believing i have uniquely bad luck. This is not a final destination thing. I actually have completely neutral luck. Believe me.
7/25
Taking a bath in my clawfoot tub. Luxurious. Using the monkey bath bomb my sister got me for my birthday. Silly. Having a chill ass night. Feeling good about the decisions i have made that led me to be half submerged in green monkey water.
7/25
Got 4 hours of sleep then back to work yesterday. But then i made the amazing choice of playing video games on my computer instead of doing anything. Had to take a single teams call during which i complained about how i had to work overnight and im already back at work. Played cowboy until like 7 then i went to the gym, which i should have been doing all week. Came home and did abs because i am scared of doing abs at the gym both because the floor dirty and i don’t want anybody looking at me. Found an incredibly buff woman on youtube to tell me to do sit-ups etc. Genuinely felt so good after my workout. Had a very nice day honestly. How bout that.
Today i am having a similar ish day. But I am actually getting a little work done. Feeling good!
7/24
Still working. Sitting on an upturned bucket next to the airport while they drill a 60’ hole. Drawing the guys for fun bc I’ve been playing red dead redemption again. I kind of popped off I’m not usually good at drawing guys.
Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson declares he will eliminate all smoking from CTA trains by filling all trains with highly flammable gas
That would do well as a tweet. Maybe i will post it on Bluesky for 2 likes. Boring. Sad.
7/23
2034 headline:
The Great Nation-State of Illinois Can, Should, Must and Will Annex Saint Louis
Clocking into work. 9 to 5 but reverse. I fear i may fall asleep. I woke up at 5 yesterday, i am supposed to go to sleep at 5 tonight, and then also be up for work at 6. Explain that. I can’t. And i won’t. We will simply See What Happens. I should be pissed off but i don’t have the energy for it. Tell those corns to stop sweating.
7/22
Make America Healthy Again and it’s just making different kinds of sodas and cooking fries and burgers in different oils. You are awesome America i hope that you never suffer consequences for the evils you have wrought upon your fellow man. Literally epic bacon.
Went to a thing last night. Trying to cure my anxiety by doing things. Drank 2 beers on a Monday and made an okay effort at talking to people i don’t know. Not a home run but not a strikeout. I got tagged out at first or maybe between first and second. Point is it was worth the effort and i saw somebody i sort of know who i am trying to become friends with, but they were pretty busy doing their own thing. We had a brief interaction as i was leaving, which was nice. I got home and missed the hook i was trying to hang my bag on and dropped it, denting the edge of my camera lens #oops. As far as i can tell it shouldn’t impact the camera at all but im kind of pissed off about it. Stupit.
In the bathroom at work. Guy comes in and sees me washing my hands. He sort of stumbles and goes. Oh whoops, am i in the wrong bathroom… and i take a second to buffer while he is walking back towards the door and I’m like oh no you’re good. And he was like apologetic but just very kindly in his demeanor and it made me smile. His nonbinarydar clocked my ass. I do sometimes forget that other people can see me. GENDER NEUTRAL BATHROOM FOR ME NOW!!!
7/21
Every time i refill my prescriptions they are like. Oh so this time you want us to refill it? That’s weird but okay. And you want that sent here to your pharmacy? Oh. Huh. Alright we’ll do that. It’s ready by the way do you even want it, probably not. And then i go and it isn’t there and i have to do it all over again and come back the next week. And i do this once a month. Madness. Just give it to me.
Applied to a new job. Hoping and praying that they just give me the job and i don’t have to apply to other jobs. First real progress on this front in months, aside from finally negotiating my transcript to be released by my school.
In many ways i live tortoise style. Slow and steady. Plodding and methodical. Always inching towards my goals. This may seem frustrating to you, the hopping hare. But to me this is just the speed of the world. I’ll get there. And your hubris will have you napping beneath a tree as I do.
New bit is asking if someone is nonbinary any time anyone uses ‘they’ in a sentence.
Nobody likes it. It’s for me.
7/19
Okay so if i postpone getting my ears pierced again, mind your business pretend you didn’t see that. M cancelled on me and i tried to take myself but i chickened out. Might go tomorrow with A, or next weekend with my sister lol, or wait like two more weeks until M is back. Oops. Not only do i evidently need the support, i also think it will not be fun if i don’t have a friend there. Sorry for my cowardice. It’s okay i forgive me.
7/18
Unpacked my last box! I’m officially living here. Now the boxes, i have handled. The piles are another story.
Getting my ears pierced with M tomorrow. Very excited/nervous. I’ve been meaning to do this for so long but there is some sort of internal boundary that this is crossing for me which makes me nervous about the way i am perceived in certain environments. Makes me very excited about the way i am perceived in other environments though, so it’s a wash. Basically i don’t want them to call me a faggot at work, but i do want hot queer people to think im hot. They can call me faggot if they want. A step in the direction of authenticity over security in my mind. When really it’s not that big a deal and i know this.
Been thinking a lot about something E said when I told her I wasn’t moving back to STL. She was like “you’re moving back to Chicago, this is the start of the next season of your show”. She worded it better than that and was being funny and mostly just referencing that we had both been watching HBOs Girls at the time. But the idea has been really invigorating for me. This has been a new beginning in many many ways, and that sense of momentum and freshness has been really uplifting.
I’m basically considering me moving to Chicago to be season 1, so we’re just starting season 3 now. My life prior to that will be explored in the prequel series, which is animated in a different style.
Point is, i was walking to the coffee shop this morning bc i only had a meeting in the morning today and the rest of the day off, and i was thinking about my season 3 character design. Obviously a lot of carryover from season 2, but i got my hair cut and have now introduced bandanas into my wardrobe and got a bunch of new clothes, getting my ears pierced soon. Good changes. Like something you look back on after binging the show and forget i didn’t have them in the first two seasons. Also I’m going to go super saiyan this season so keep an eye out for that.
7/17
Summer intern told me her dream is to work in the oil and gas industry. How horrible. Villain origin in progress.
My dream job is to explode the earth, revealing a slightly smaller earth on the inside that has been left uncorrupted by the evils of man.
Actually I’m getting distracted thinking about the Hollow Earth from Godzilla x Kong. My new dream is to turn the earth inside out so that kaiju may once again walk the surface, and we will relearn reverence for life on earth by becoming subterranean creatures.
Made pasta salad last night while talking to E on FaceTime. It was pretty good. Having it for lunch today. Trying to be a packing lunch type of guy (nonbinary) more these days.
Going to try to do some cooking this weekend to meal prep a bit. I’m deciding to become good at cooking. Never really tried before and i have found that i AM good at Most Things when i Do Try. So it’s trying time.
Has anybody noticed weird stuff going on in the world politically? It’s starting to bug me tbh. Like knock it offfff fr.
Something Must Be Done. Godzilla, you’re our only hope.
7/16
New thing I’ve been saying is “Providence!” whenever i experience even the slightest coincidence. I have no clue how this got into my vocabulary. Yesterday i found something i thought i lost in the move, after i had earlier that day decided to give up on it and order a new one. And i exclaimed “Providence!” To my empty apartment. Not even really a joke, just something I’ve been saying. I have been experiencing many coincidences lately. Maybe I’m becoming weirdly religious idk.
Had a funny dream i broke into MJ Lendermans house, who lived with his parents. My friend E kept encouraging me. MJ discovered me and was like oh hey what’s up. Then E and T and a bunch of other people also showed up. The three of us split up and climbed a mountain, which was also a volcano. T ran to go to a porta potty and we lost him, and then me and E ran into a bunch of Wizards in the woods who looked like the ancient minister guy from subspace emissary super smash bros brawl. They split us up and made us do trials. E went into this portal at the center of the clearing and i was like okay me next but the wizards said no you have to go into the electric cave. So i did and there was a lava guy in there already doing the trial so we had to do it versus each other.
Something I find myself thinking a lot after i have a dream is ‘i love it in my mind!’ There are wizards in there and mj lenderman and volcanos and my sweetest dearest friends being supportive of me committing crimes. I have created such a pleasant place for myself up here. Even my scary dreams are full of stuff where I’m like hell yeah that’s cool. Not to overanalyze this funny dream, but i like what it says about my subconscious. I had a dream last week that was just me and my friend M sweeping up hair together into a huge pile in the middle of the room. It was just so simple and sweet! And that was all me. I came up with that without even trying.
7/15
Referring to she/theys & he/theys as fair weather fans of being nonbinary. Because it makes me laugh.
My new prounons is THEY/THEM and i can tell if you aren’t using all caps when you say it aloud.
Looking for a new couch. How do you do this. How much is a couch worth and how do i get it to me without a car. Unanswerable questions.
Thinking about how the fair weather fans line would have done well as a tweet. RIP. i used to be funny and get points for it online, now i just do it for free because im addicted to it. “Like” this post if you pity me or if you think i am funny.
7/14
Me and idi went on the first vacation to ever have world altering repercussions. Time travelers will return to this point in time to destabilize the timeline. From this point everything changes.
Third Leg: Canada and other
The Airbnb host had the same name as one of Jeffrey Epstein’s closest collaborators. She gave us a 45 minute tour of this unit explaining extremely basic concepts to us. It was funny at first but then it was like. Christ we are trying to go to sleap please. We watched final destination in French.
In the morning i went out to read by the pool and finished my book, and then a minute later out comes the host holding up a cat. And she says in her accent this is my momma cat. I saw you finish your book. Implying she had been watching me for some time. Okay.
Went into Montreal for a bit, bought yet more books. Laughed about all the silly French words around. I am no longer afraid of French. Got tofu poutine on accident but it was still good. Swam in the pool while being closely watched by the Airbnb host and her nephew from above. She yelled at me for not using a cushion on her chair.
We watched the movie Crank in French, Crinqué. Which was actually very good. Watching a movie in a language you don’t speak is like Oops all Riffing with your friend. Jason Statham accent is fun to do.
We got up and went on a hike to Mont Royal. Then drove some more to go to our camp site, which was so beautiful and right on the lake. I roasted weenies, but idi was unable to acquire meatless weenies at the small town grocery we stopped at, so i dined alone. Did an incredible job making our fire. I love camping.
Got up real early as i am wont to do these days. Basked in the rising sun over the lake. Listened to the birds and frogs. Restarted the fire and roasted a breakfast weenie. A chipmunk nearly walked across my foot.
Spruce bog hike in the morning, then another big drive to Ann Arbor. Stopped in Toronto to see a miniature version of Canada. Listened to Drake as we sat in traffic. Drove More. Accidentally smuggled a bud light double lime across the border. The Airbnb was massive and really cool. We watched Crank 2: High Voltage in English and it sucked pretty much.
Drove to Chicago and parted with idi. One of the best vacations of my life for real. We nailed it i don’t think anyone is this good at vacation. Big shoutout to idi for navigating my few moments of grouchy/crankiness, mostly brought on by sweating so much in the heat. I think if we had been in that car together much longer we would have fused and merged into one person. This would have been a bad thing to be clear. The fusion would have been evil for some reason.
I am tired. But i must get to work. On my life.
Realizing that i might be able to get out of going to this family wedding i don’t want to go to if i come out as nonbinary to my cousin. I think i will do this simply because i love to trick myself into doing something positive by pretending it is actually devious.
7/10
Leg 2 of da trip: New York
Sunday -
Idi drove through the heart of manhattan which was nerve wracking but also very funny. Thank you idi. I would have died.
Met ashley who was so lovely and accommodating. Was nervous about meeting her because i am nervous about meeting all people. Fortunately this was a really good person to meet.
Margot the dog. One of the best i would say.
We hung out and around ridgewood. Got food and drinks and had fun basically. Played Mario party.
Monday -
Got bagels and then me and idi went to where my family grew up to walk around and be like wow so this is the queer coffee shop my uncle went to 60 years ago. It was so hot. Walked around prospect park which was fun.
Bought books
Met back up with ashley at MoMA ps1 which was cool.
Bought more books.
Got frozen Long Island iced teas then went to a show my childhood friend was playing in, unfortunately we were late and missed them playing. But i at least got to chat with them which was really nice. Building my they them confederacy all across this nation. It was funny, i hadn’t really properly talked to them in like over a decade. I had fun.
Tues-
We were going to wake up early but lowkey forgot, so it was already hot by the time we got out to manhattan. It was wearing on me. We went to the vessel and a zine print shop, and several other places and i sweated in all of them. Book store. Bought more books. Then we got lunch and i subtly suggested to idi that i may become cranky if i have to be in the heat much longer. To which he said what if we split up. So i went back and hung out with Ashley in the A/C and did some tarot and mario party. It was awesome. Then idi got back and i think we stayed in the rest of the night.
Yesterday we left and drove up to Montreal. I played fetch with Margot for a while and then we said goodbye :( i love to make new friends
Drive was fun and easy, stopped in a cute little town an hour south of the border for lunch and to do laundry. Went into Canada. Tried to riff with the border guard because i need everyone to like me. I’m really liking this place so far even though all we’ve done is talk to the Airbnb host and go to the supermarket. I am so serious about wanting to swim in this pool, but I’m not going to do it alone. Idi. Hint. Bought double lime bud light and I’ll be damned if i don’t get to drink it poolside. I think im shifting into “taking it easy” mode after being in New York. I’m chilling sunglass emoji.
7/8
Brief update on the trip so far. Haven’t been posting since I’ve been floundering irl.
Idi got to chicago and we celebrated July 4 by hiding from antifa and their wicked bombs.
We drove to Pennsylvania. Idi took first shift, then we went to Cleveland to go to a scary candy store, a just okay diner, and a site where Joe “Jack” Biden performed some sort of miracle i think. Then i drove. It was getting dark as we neared the camp site but we passed through these cute little towns right in the middle of the state forests that were so quaint and charming, if not for the trump signs i would love to live there. Tried to move a tree with brute force and it’s not my fault that the tree was too weak and broke off in my hands, sending me to do a full flip and lose my bandana. Camping was fine but we really just pitched the tent and went to sleep.
Me and idi have got to be in the top half, top quarter, top ten percent probably of saying funny things, but i can only speak for the cross section of world I’ve seen. There could be someone so funny on the other side of the world that it ruins the curve for everyone. Guy Funny his name could be. Or Susan Laughs. Point is we are funny but I’m still running the numbers on how funny exactly.
7/4
They are calling me “an Angel Investor for Life” and who am i to argue?
I am levitating three feet off the ground I’m doing so awesome right now. I love everybody.
7/2
Went shopping right after work and got real sweaty in the changing rooms. But i persevered and spent [REDACTED] on a bunch of clothes i feel i pretty much needed. Got a few pairs of linen pants which was crucial for my survival this summer, as well as some tank tops that are doing a lot of gender for me. And some other stuff too. I feel good because if you think about it i never spend money on clothes so this was well overdue. And i look cute so. I’m innocent.
I also cooked a real meal for the first time in a while tonight and am very proud of myself. Like something that required multiple steps and cooking different things at different times, etc. It was still pretty basic and there was definitely room for improvement, but it tasted good as hell. This is one of my major goals this year is to become good at cooking and as we all know, i can achieve literally anything if i put my mind to it, so im excited about this good start. Yahoo!
Right now i think im awesome. I’m back with a vengeance.
7/2
Vulnerable: i am contemplating experimenting with adding noses to my smileys. I’ve always been a :) person but maybe i could be another type of person
:)
:>)
:<)
:~)
:-)
:c)
:0)
:O)
:o)
:^)
:•)
7/2
Helped my friends move. There is nothing i love more than helping a friend. My body is a machine designed to help lesbians move. I love having a real job. Something to do with my damn hands that doesn’t feel so god damned pointless. I had a really good day!
Went home from work to change and then walked straight over to M’s current apartment, hung out with their friend J who I had met once before and really liked while we were waiting on them to return in the uhaul. M and L pulled up and we basically got to work. Me and J did rock paper scissors to see who got to ride with M in the uhaul, i rode with L in the car, which was good actually. I was very nervous about meeting her bc it’s like, M is my best Chicago friend and i am so fond of them and if their gf doesn’t like me then that’s going to suck. Fortunately, predictably maybe, she is really fun and seemed to like me i think.
We loaded up the uhaul with like half of M’s stuff, then drove to the new place, where we got locked out. For some reason their building requires six different keys to get inside, and they were one short. M called their landlord, who walked over but didn’t bring any keys or anything with her so it was a waste of like 15 minutes. Eventually a neighbor let us in and he’s like an 80s movie stereotype nerd named Felix, who is really taking this opportunity to talk to M and L for so long meanwhile we had already been so delayed by getting locked out. M was clearly getting pissed, but me and J thought it was so funny. Eventually he left. M brought cupcakes for my bday and gave one to Felix, he was very excited about it.
Unloaded the uhaul, then went to L’s storage unit and reloaded the uhaul. I’m sweating so much obviously. I’m also having such a good time. I said this and nobody believed me. L said that’s crazy. But i meant it. I love having a purpose, and for that purpose to be helping people i care about. Come on now. Plus i love hanging out and these people are so fun. And they all kept remarking on how strong i am and im like blushing aw shucks.
Inevitably we finish and L drives me home so i can change my shirt, then we meet M and J at the uhaul place where all of the workers have clocked out but are gathered in a pack in the parking lot smoking, in a way that was so intimidating while we tried to locate the key drop off. We went and got pizza and hung out for a bit then i walked home. Genuinely had so much fun. Really want to hang out with J again, and want to get to know L better. They’re like oh we owe you for helping us move, and I’m like oh i owe you for being in my life. Even Steven.
Happy birthday to my mom. Shoutout mom.
7/1
Just paid rent and i don’t get paid til Friday but i think im going to go blow a bunch of money at Uniqlo tomorrow. Happy birthday to me. I need new pants and am way overdue for a wardrobe refresh, and i also just discovered that i can feel good about myself by wearing new clothes. Cheat code unlocked.
7/1
Had a really good birthday. Simple and chill. Took off work a bit early, ran some errands as a gift to myself (responsible) and dropped off my film to be developed. Got dinner with A and then we watched The Thing. Contemplating making this a birthday tradition, but also i feel maybe this would be a better winter tradition. Inevitable that i will be throwing a Thing party, but i have my entire life to decide when. Thinking the time may be right to watch the 2011 prequel soon.
Helping M and L move today. Getting so pumped for my road trip (thank you @idi for protecting my hands).
I am twenty six years old now and every day i get older and wiser and stronger and smarter and more powerful. I don’t plan on stopping. The most important part of the growth mindset is the mindset, but a close second is actually doing the part where you grow. An exciting start to this year of my life. Les do dis.
At work like damn i miss my bandana.
6/29
Fixed myself by going shopping with my sisters. Need to tap into this more. You can fix problems using consumption. Bought some new shirts and some bandanas that have done exactly what i thought they’d do for my self image and gender in general. I’m badnana now. Had a very nice day/night yesterday, and while I’m bummed i missed out on float trip, it was clearly the right call.
Everyone at the Amtrak station was lining up wrong and i said i want no part in this and went and lined up normal and then five minutes later they came out and told everyone they were lining up wrong, putting me very close to the front of the line. Ha. I win. I am winning.
Happy birthday Sam.
6/27
Last night was so much fun. Everyone is so nice to me. It was a really good first time reading for me, thank you idi and everyone who came out. It went really well and i had a great time.
Really having kind of an awful time with dysphoria lately. Feeling good in my mind and awful in my body, which was hard for me yesterday particularly. I wore a suit and tie because i thought it would be funny (and i think it was) but also i just really needed to put something between my body and people looking at it. This did not detract from how much fun i had, but I’ve just really been struggling with this lately for the first time in a long while. Just can’t shake it. Kind of also dreading float trip, during which i will also have to be in my body. Like im excited and will have so much fun but im feeling more like a brain in a jar right now than a human being with a body. Feeling like i need a full body transplant. This will pass, or at least i will get quiet about it again, but i needed to vent/overshare.
6/26
Feeling good today, i got in a weird way while i was on the train yesterday and stayed that way. Felt hard to shake i guess because ive felt so good for so long. I’m normal again i think. Another thing that i think getting back into good gym habit will fix completely.
If im being honest im kind of nervous about reading tonight! But I’m also very excited. I’m not too worried about messing up or anything, just the anxiety of anticipation i think. I also am still deciding the last poem i want to read, i have the other two sorted out but im really on the fence about the middle one. I want it to flow well. Good news is my poems can be dog food because there are a bunch of good poems afterwards written by my good friend idi.
6/25
I’m turning 26 on Monday i need to lock in. There are several things i put on pause because i was moving and now im like oh that’s overwhelming that i have to pick all of that back up again but actually it’s not it just feels that way because i don’t want to do anything. Not a problem im locking in. Really want to get back in the gym above all else bc not only was i starting to feel really good and in shape, i also am paying for that shit so i really should be using it. I’ve got big goals again this year. And i will achieve them.
This year i will become the legendary super saiyan. Goku himself was 33 years old when he achieved this, so 26 is pretty impressive.
I need you guys to all pretend I’m not blonde already so that when i bleach my hair again it feels like a dramatic change.
I need to get real. Lock in o clock.
6/24
Oh brother!
6/24
Yep Francis Francis Francis, that’s me. Name so nice you say it thrice.
6/24
If i had my way you would be run out of town by me and my goons with pitchforks and torches. (Just a concept I’m kicking around, goons apply within)
Thinking about legally changing my name to Francis Francis Francis. Could be funny idk.
6/23
Seriously considering becoming someone who wears bandanas (I’m nonbinary). Let me know what you think about this (I’m nonbinary).
6/23
something really funny is that every notable man I’ve looked up to as a role model in my youth has in the interim turned out to also be transgender and not a man. I never had a damn chance. For some silly reason in my dream i was in high school and there were three of these people and myself in a room getting interviewed for the yearbook or something and we were all in boy mode but i kept a laughing because i was like lol what are the odds.
The heat. It’s hotting.
So much for damn “global cooling”. If that’s so damn real, then how do all of these woke activist environmentalists explain that year after year we experience record breaking heat waves? If climate change were real, why is it hot right now? Checkmate idiots. If anything, it’s getting warmer on a global scale, not colder. Explain that. Explain that without using the words greenhouse effect or carbon emissions or atmosphere. You cant can you? Uh yeah, so much for global cooling, it’s hot right now. Okay I’m hearing now that I’ve got this whole thing backwards. Well. Egg on my face. Surely if the world is getting hotter we should do something about it. It’s too damn hot I’m sweat. Please.
Awesome weekend despite the heat. Played a bunch of Minecraft with L and I, and they got to meet M. Worlds collide. Meeting of the minds. Played cards at the bar last night and went to get ice cream. Epic night.
I wish that my job paid 100x what i get paid now, and that i was allowed to take a long break whenever i want with no consequences. Oh i don’t feel like working for the next month, no problem. But i need money to live. Everyone’s sick of hearing it, most of all me, but i need to quit my job.
6/20
I had such an awesome day yesterday. Worked blah blah blah got free pizza.
Then i went home and changed out of my fake person clothes (office) and into my real self and then walked over to M’s to help them install their A/C. They gave me a blue beer which was actually very good.
Then we went over to my old place to get the last of my stuff, minus my bike. We brought it over to my new place and then installed MY A/C window unit.
Then we went up town to help one of Ms friends who they used to live with in SF pack up their uhaul. They and their partner were like, archetypical uhaul lesbian moving in together and it was a lot of fun meeting them and the moving was pretty easy. Met a dog named scrumby and their owner who suited each other.
This random guy on the street came up to me and M and was like ughhhh this is soooo awkward i don’t even want to ask this you’re going to think I’m sooo weird but it’s drug related, man it’s so awkward, you guys aren’t cops are you? Well do you guys want to come to my apartment and do a bump with me? To which we said no because neither of us are drug doers and even if we were the vibes were off with this guy. He seemed very nice but very erratic. We wished him well and then heard him telling someone else that he felt invalidated by us not wanting to do drugs with him. It was funny mostly.
Then M and I were hungry so we went to this Ethiopian place nearby bc neither of us had ever tried Ethiopian and we were there for so long there was like only one person working there. But it was good and i had so much fun. We were laughing it up. When we finally left it was late so i just walked home from where M parked.
Such a fun night except for the part where all of these they them lesbians are talking about how in love they are with their partners and suddenly i am confronted with my own loneliness in a way i wasn’t prepared for. Sometimes i don’t think it bothers me. Sometimes it really does. Ignoring it doesn’t always work. Lingered with me as i went to bed last night. Lingering with me now. I am happy on my own but i am not immune to Wanting.
Stop Thinking About It.
6/19
I don’t know what I’ll do when John, the man who runs the NANCY COMICS BY ERNIE BUSHMILLER Twitter and Bluesky accounts stops posting. He has been sick for a while now and he seems pretty old. He’s followed me back for several years and followed me again when he came over to Bluesky. I couldn’t tell you why but it’s always felt special to me. I need to get access to whatever archive he’s getting all these comics from, be ready to take up the mantle. I haven’t had much luck finding stuff online.
6/19
One of my fish died and i got really upset about it. I don’t want to get into it rn but very hard to not feel like it was completely my fault. Spent 30 minutes in the office bathroom crying my eyes out about it, then i had to go back and be like yes sir right away sir let me send you that document. Whiplash.
Went to mj lenderman and drank 7 beers and then an angel from heaven sold me a hotdog on the street as i was walking out and it was exactly what i needed. Thank you sir.
Feeling kind of full inventory mentally this week. Lot of moving pieces.
6/18
Happens every time. One or two weeks slow at work, followed by being extremely overloaded and asked to spend time outside of work hours on shit. I am concurrently working on 6 to 8 projects and even if it wasn’t all tasks that I’ve never been asked to do before, it would still be nearly impossible to be keeping track of all of the moving pieces. Fuck this place. But what am i supposed to do about it. The problem is i don’t want to work. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to work in an office. I don’t want to have to dress like this.
But i actually am going to mj lenderman. So. I win.
The thing of it is that my work life should not impact my life outside of work, which is the important part. But nobody who works here feels that way so I’m fucked. I want to scream so loud that i become the legendary super saiyan.
My life is still awesome outside work.
My innie is suffering. My outie is thriving.
6/17
Starting a new viral challenge called the Be Normal To Me Challenge.
6/17
Took a nap and my alarm never went off. And i know for a fact it didn’t go off so it’s not my fault. I woke up at midnight. M and I were supposed to go to our barbers party but they wound up not feeling up to it after work so i guess it’s not a completely loss. But i hate sleeping through something it gives me the worst kind of fomo. Like i was unconscious, meanwhile people were having fun? Fucked up.
Had an interesting dream though. Escalators in libraries, grappling hooks in the woods, flying around in space from planet to planet. Swimming in the pool. Talking to my best friends from 5th grade. Becoming friends with my ex from high school in secret for some reason.
I can’t stand working lately. I need to take a sabbatical. I need to travel east and then north and then west and then south in a big loop. I need this.
6/16
I can’t wait for work to be over so i can go home. I love my home.
Picking crazy amounts of mulberries because there is a wire crossed in my brain that when i taste a mulberry i feel like a fat little child shoving berries into their mouth by the handful, face and hands and belly all stained purple blue with the sweet syrup, bare feet kicking in the short grass in joyous glee.
Tapping into my gatherer instincts. M saw me doing this yesterday and said it was weird. So out of spite I’m picking and eating even more berries. This is like the main thing human beings have hands and fingers for. I’ll not be deprived.
When work ends i will go and pick more berries and frolic and skip all the way home.
6/15
The move went so smoothly it was crazy
I am in my new apartment now and it is incredible
I had fun with my mom and dad, save for my dad getting weird and angry on Friday night, but even then i got to have a productive debrief with my mom afterwards.
E helped me with the move and we made quick work of it. He met my parents and it was funny.
Spent some time with my parents getting organized and unpacked, went on a run to buy some stuff to fill out the apartment, went out to drink with them which was funny. They left today a little after 1.
M came over around 3 and was mad i didn’t let them meet my parents. I said I’m not sure I’m ready for that. They hung out and told me about Pittsburg while i did some more organizing, then we ran some errands and went out for drinks. We showed eachother pictures of us at various points in our haircut history and it was really funny. So great to see them again.
They got too drunk and wanted to go home to which I said boooooo, because i didn’t get drunk enough, so im drinking some beers and watching a movie now. And eating a pizza. In my awesome new apartment. Holy shit my life rocks.
6/13
There was a dog loose in Logan yesterday and there were like 30 people trying to get him. I tried to help but it was sort of no point. He was running between cars and stuff it was stressful. I think they got him eventually.
My internet service provider has been jerking me around because they sent me my new modem too early. Spent all day yesterday trying to get support and then had to get on the phone with them for an additional two hours this morning so i could actually work from home. Now that’s done but i fear i may have to go through the exact same process to get them to start the wifi at my new apartment.
Waiting for my parents to get here. My sister said Good Luck to me as they were leaving stl this morning so it seems like it’ll be an interesting weekend. Okay!
6/12
Sometimes i think im not an adventurous enough eater and then i go to my office full of the pickiest white people on earth and i feel like Anthony Bourdain. This is an office full of chicken nugget kids who never tried anything else. My 45 year old coworker almost had a meltdown about “trying” Greek food. The new intern is “allergic” to Mexican food (doubt) and won’t eat fish if her life depends on it. Nick (annoying) is some sort of brand ambassador for Jimmy John’s the way he is constantly talking about it. He sent the following email this week:
I will always recommend Jimmy John’s. They have hot sandwiches now, if that’s your flavor. They’ve always had free smells.
And what on earth could that mean. I don’t know. One of them said she almost threw up when she tried falafel. These people need serious help.
6/12
I think out of anything I’m most excited for the move to be over so i can get back in routine. I’m eating like dog food, not been going to the gym, neglecting my hobbies, etc. I am at my most powerful when I’m locked into a routine is something i have learned about myself over the last couple years.
Been having such pleasant and vivid dreams lately, all very plot oriented. Haven’t bothered writing many down, but last night i recall traveling with a group of people and we stopped at interesting places along the way, at some point we found ourselves all climbing around in this massive tree with no leaves. I remember i was being funny and i was really trying to impress someone and it felt like it was working. Strike what i said above, im actually at my most powerful when im trying to impress someone, but thats not mutually exclusive with routine, sometimes they are one and the same.
6/11
God i love my epic life. What a charmed life. Some many people to love and be loved by. I’m so lucky for real.
My mom and dad are visiting this weekend to help me unpack and stuff and I’m looking forward to it. I think I’m pretty good at managing everything when it’s just the three of us, but I’m sure there will still be a couple weird moments. Mostly I’m excited.
Moving furniture with E on Saturday, I’ve told my parents they aren’t allowed to lift anything heavy. Because they are old people. E and A have been a lot of help with the move i owe them big time. Lucky I’m so sweet and charming or else how the hell would i be getting this move done by myself.
M gets back this weekend too (!!). I am so excited for them to see my new place. I missed them! And they’ll need help moving pretty soon too. Such an L that we are no longer going to be neighbors once they move because that was such a fun novelty. Having a friend whose house i can walk to makes me feel like im in elementary school again. Bummer that apartments are so hard to find and so expensive to live in. I wish all my friends lived right next door to me.
Feeling incredibly chill today in that i don’t think I’m going to get anything done at work, but then I’ll use that energy later to get my apartment squared away. Trying to figure out if I’ll have wifi in the new place by Friday or not, bc i want to work from home.
6/11
I think pretty much I’m done sleeping at my old apartment. The only furniture in the new place is my bed, but that’s all i need. Moved my tv over and set it up on a box at the foot of my bed, got my vhs going. Watched Sphere last night. Wasn’t that good really which was a bummer. Learned i like Dustin Hoffman though. I would go into the sphere and have pure thoughts and be kind so that whole thing wouldn’t be a problem for me (sphere makes your dreams and emotions manifest in reality).
Gotta say it again now that I’m staying there more and more, my new apartment is so awesome. I’m so lucky. And I’m going to make it so cool. Discovered the fireplace works!!! So I’ll be cozying up this winter rest assured (need to remember to get renters assurance that covers fires lol)
I’m scared of it being more French than I’m prepared for in Montreal. I’m francophobic in that i have a phobia of the French.
6/10
Doing the worlds first “strand” type move. This is where, because i don’t have a car, i load up as many things as i can physically carry, then slowly lumber my way between apartments, just like Death Stranding. Developing a true somatic sense of what a full inventory feels like. I need an exoskeleton so freaking bad.
6/10
Everyone who knows i got in an hour late is already gone. Everyone who knows im leaving an hour early got in after me. And so the Time Thief succeeds again. A 10 hour day, woof how exhausting for me. Wink!
6/10
This is so powerful to me
https://youtu.be/gbOicHj0Fto?si=wN6cworvB71S_XsR
The 40 year old men running this HEC-RAS 2D hydraulic modeling seminar are shitting on AI. Just as a riff, unrelated to anything. Dropping fire emojis and 100 emojis in the chat. Hell yeah boys. Sometimes engineers are smart people.
6/10
Nothing worse than a compliment from someone whose opinion you don’t respect. I get that they mean well but my coworkers should not even be allowed to perceive me, let alone comment on my appearance. No i actually love being asked about why i look the way that i look. I spit at you. Ptooie. Just wanted to let you know, I’m monitoring your appearance and think maybe we should have a whole conversation about the way it has changed. Maybe ask permission next time. Is this a good way to feel in your workplace? Lmk.
6/10
A came over to help me put the bed frame together which was huge, we ordered a pizza and i set up my vhs and put on a tape about aliens bc i don’t have internet rn. Almost immediately fell asleep my mattress is so comfortable. I was worried the mattress in a box deal was just a big scam but it’s genuinely so good. A woke me up when the tape was over to make fun of me but i was like you can’t blame me I’ve been suffering on my old mattress for so long. Walked her out and locked up but i was too tired to go back home so I spent the night in my new bed on my new mattress in my new home. Effervescent. Slept like an angel baby. A baby angel. Holy shit.
Realized this morning the hot and cold handles on my shower are swapped and i almost feel like making a fuss about it because i can see exactly how to fix it. I could swap the handles myself, but id really like for them to swap the supply lines so that it’s intuitive. Hot on the left cold on the right. Not a big deal though. Prank shower.
In such a great mood and then i walk into the office and suddenly i am suffering. I think the two may be connected.
6/9
I’ve been riding so high lately. The big move is this weekend. Max Keebler. But it don’t bother me none I’ve got it all figured out.
Went to IKEA with A and E yesterday and had a lot of fun. Got the Songsand bed frame and they both got really annoyed with me because i was trying to match bed colors with the trim of my bedroom, but i didn’t have good pictures of either. I think i nailed it tho.
Shelled out big bucks on a new mattress and it has also arrived, which i am thrilled about. Putting the frame together this evening and maybe sleeping at the new place tonight.
After IKEA i unpacked some boxes and organized some stuff, felt really good.
Walked home at sunset, beaming the whole way. What a life, what a city, what a world, i say to myself. Boy do i love summer.
Someone should study how i feel bad in the winter and good in the summer. There’s got to be something more going on.
6/7
Right so I’ve left you all on the edge of your seats waiting to hear about my haircut. Well here it is. The reviews are in. It’s a good haircut. Went to the hairstylist that M goes to on their referral and it was literally a blast. The most fun i have ever had getting my hair cut. It’s all queer people there which is leagues beyond anywhere I’ve gone before. I used to exclusively go to men’s hair saloon wtf was that about. Anyways M referred me specifically to their barber K who is also non binary and is so similar to M it’s crazy. Which is to say we immediately hit it off and were just chatting it up having a good time. I always get so nervous and anxious about hair cuts because of the way that i am, and there was none of this. Furthermore the cut itself is excellent and basically just what i envisioned. And they were so informative and helpful. And here’s the kicker i am now invited to a party at K’s place to celebrate them getting their stylist license in like February or something. And i gave them an out twice and they were like no i want you there. So basically i am forming a nonbinary coalition. And i have a bob now. Fuck with me.
6/7
Welp it’s official. I’m doing it. I’m having the surgery. The procedure is being done to me. As we speak it is underway. They let me bring my phone in here. Yep that’s right. They are making me green. They are turning me green completely. Tip to toe green, like the color. Next time you see me don’t be shocked if the way i look is green to you. (I am getting my hair cut)
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