an enjoyable weekend experience with dear friends

I had one

Watch this on 0.5x speed

https://youtu.be/Yk1uCWWUl-4?si=79Kr5MViJGQLP_3p

mii

There are things you (me) can do

So when you (me) look in the mirror

You (me) say hell yeah that’s me

There are things you can do that don’t

Lately me been doing

More of the first thing

Me hair long and beautiful

Me skin soft and smooth

Me smile big and real

Me body is literally normal

Me outfit phenomenal

And behind me eyes

There is something there too

Someone there

Me in there

Good

There should be

something i can not forget no matter how hard i try

Let me not be misunderstood

It will not be painless

It will not be deathless

It will not even be quick or easy

But

The good news in

We will win

“We”

Will win

Over “I” and “Me” and “Us” and “Them”

Because life wins over death

And rock wins over scissors

And many win over few

And this is no consolation

Just something that is true

As long as We live

We are going to win

ugly dream

Last night i dreamt

Of machine made from living flesh

Sentient enough to have a name

Conscious that it had been

Dismembered and made into a tool

Pink was its name

It was doing a billion calculations

To try and locate an ape

Who had grown intelligent

As much as it had grown violent

Broke out of its suburban cage

Leaving behind a map of the country

With runes carved across it

That shifted as we tried to read them

And the mangled flesh

Arrived at no answer

So we scratched our heads

And worried over what would happen

I don’t suppose this dream had

Any meaning at all

It’s just random images

Displayed in a series

But i overslept

And when i woke up

I didn’t feel good

jesus christ

It is really easy to get mad at the wrong people during an election. This or that group of people did or didn’t vote for this or that candidate, and they’ve ruined everything for the rest of us. It is really important to consider and remember, however, that there is actually a group of people whose job it is to win the election. They get paid to make the election go their way. Every day they are supposed to go to work and make this happen. And if they do not win the election, they have done a bad job. It is these people who bear the brunt of the blame far more than any chunk of their constituencies. Blaming the voters is like a salesman who sucks at his job blaming consumers for not making him rich. If you went to your job and didn’t deliver on the one promise you made to your boss, you would probably get in trouble. You might even get fired. The people at fault for the results of this election are all on payroll. They didn’t win because they didn’t do their job, which they get paid money for. Worth keeping in mind. I say. For no reason. It isn’t joever. Yet.

for soul: used sale, never worn

Bought a used soul off the devil

He was selling them for cheap

I was born without one

Or i wasn’t really born

I just happened

And was hollow after that

So i forked over the cash

HellBucks we called them

And he asked me

Paper or plastic

And i said plastic

Because afterward

I can use the bag

For my bathroom trashcan

I got home and opened up

My brand new used soul

Refurbished said the sticker

It was white and translucent

And it flickered like a candle flame

I breathed all the way out

And then gobbled it up

Then i cried and cried

Probably catching up on

All the crying

I should have done before

I looked out my window

At Hell World

And I cried some more

After all that was done with

I went out and bought a guitar

I went out and fell in love

I went out and laughed

And the more i did it

The warmer i felt inside

And that warmth never dimmed

Even when i went back to crying

I was warm inside

Whoever got rid of this thing

They don’t know what they’re missing

I’m sorry for them

life hack

Sold my soul to the devil

Because he made a good offer

And i don’t feel much different now

Or at least I don't feel much

I figure either way I’m getting on fine

So it must’ve been a good deal

I wake up happy in a burning house

Because the flames don’t hurt me

I spend my days out acting stupid

Waiting on it to come back to me

And when it does I just don’t care

I don’t suppose I was ever all that good

But now that I’m all empty inside

I don’t even have to try

I don’t stop to help a stranger

I don’t even see them there

And it feels nice not to worry

Not to wallow in the pain

I’m smooth and I’m painless

I’m comfortable and happy

Amidst all of the various

Things Going On

I am warm and my belly is full

And i belch and grin

And Do Not Think Of It

In the space where once my soul was

I have filled with shiny objects

It is so easy living like this

And i don’t even miss it at all

(sol)d

How much does the sun cost?

If you had the cash

Who could you even give it to

To make the purchase?

You can buy a star

From a website here on Earth

But i don’t think that’s binding

If you flew all the way out

To where that star is

Besides taking a long time

I don’t think they would recognize you

As ruler of the star system

Or even understand what you mean

When you say you own the star

That you paid for it fair and square

You have the paperwork right here

So like Columbus before you

You would simply be forced

To teach them about ownership

With the blunt side of a musket

And the sharp side of a sword

By the time you finish

Some alien might come rolling up

With a piece of paper

Printed off of his computer

Saying he bought this star

Off a website

Back in his solar system

And you could go to arbitration

But really the winner will be

Whoever can do the most violence

That’s often what money is

A placeholder for violence

So if you have the cash

You can buy that star now

And do the violence later

But there’s no option for that

If you want to buy the sun

It’d have to be one lump sum

Paid immediately

In cash or in blood

And how do you get that much cash

How do you get that much blood

Probably not gonna happen

Not for you at least

But in theory

Someone could do it

Someone could own the sun

And that’s why

Eventually

The sun will swallow the Earth

Its own little violence

Long coming to us

For the audacity we had

To own

i missed the end of the world

Yesterday i called in sick

Today i just sleeped in

By the time that i got up

The sky just said “THE END”

All the wars we had before

Have finished with a bang

My enemies have fully arced

Same goes for my friends

Every plot point all wrapped up

Every loose thread trimmed

I walked around the empty world

Caught my foot and tripped

Bonked my head and lost my sight

The credits start to roll

I woke up cold

In business clothes

Just in time for work

pinetree

I’ve been to the room

Behind the movie theater

I know how projection works

But knowing how the sausage is made

Don’t keep me from chowing down

A single second of locking eyes

From way across the room

Is enough to get me started

Not a single word spoken

At least that can’t count against me

Because now I’ve got it in my head

That a single second might mean

Anything at all other than nothing

That maybe i can build it up

Enough to fill my stomach

With the aforementioned sausage

And i am so very hungry

Despite reassurances to the contrary

I don’t feel right when I'm not longing

And it won’t be long

Until the moment is gone

I’ll stand alone out late at night

Like a withered lone pine

Being loved is such a chore

I wouldn’t ask it of many

But at least for a second

I can pretend

ill die when I’m dead

A guy last week

Threatened to kill me and my friends

And while I’m sure he meant well*

• citation needed

That actually hurt my feelings

Besides

I don’t have time to die

I have a crazy amount of life due

And i need to get a good grade

Or else ill never get anywhere

And ill spend my afterlife

Working some minimum wage job

Sorting all the bones

Into boy bones and girl bones

Before they go into the grinder

That grinds all the bones to dust

So they can be used for new bones

For all the new skeletons they’re making

The new models are actually pretty cool

They added way more spikes

But that’s besides the

Important point I’m trying to make

Which is i don’t want to be

The bone-sorting guy

I want to be the guy

Who puts the spikes on the bones

And gets to decide how big

It comes with a 401k

But my resume just

Isn’t there yet

So next time please

Guy from last week

Try someone else

To say you’ll kill

I don’t want to do that

an old friend

Since you saw me last

I have become a blunt instrument

No longer the child i hope you can see

Somewhere underneath the tensing tissue

Crystallizing around my furrowed brow

Who you used to chase around the yard

When the year was split in even fourths

Its hard to explain the growth

It was not contiguous or uniform

It splattered all over me until i was grown

And still I’m stretching up

Towards some other shape

Neither of us has ever seen

I can only guess the same for you

That somewhere buried under

Your stretched out body and

Stretched out mind

Is one that i recognize and know

And suppose that we had the time

We could trace out the path

To where we are now

But I’ve been so busy lately

I don’t know what with

Other than I’m due to get back to it soon

Were it not for my limits

I would ask to bring you with me

Off to where I’m going

Or vice versa

But it has to be enough

To intersect here and say

It was so nice to see you

It’s been too long

Don’t be a stranger

And be on our diverging ways

boo hoo

I’m crying at work today

Awesome

sup

I been real busy i think. Mostly just mentally busy. A lot on my mind. I’ve been hating work and realizing that I’m being taken advantage of even more than i originally thought. Which feels bad actually. Because i work very hard and nobody even cares. In my busyness I’ve been bad at communicating, which happens every so often with me, so i think most people have learned that i get this way sometimes. Not worth apologizing i think because mostly thats just annoying and i cant say that im really /that/ sorry about it. Its part of my whole deal, which i AM sorry for, but ill rebound and catch up later.

I have spent the last week and a half watching the entirety of Dragon Ball. I worship Goku now and he inspires me every day. And I’m not kidding.

Made a new friend in the neighborhood! Who i really like a lot. Quick to click with them and i felt like i trusted them almost right away, which isn’t always easy for me. I’m trying to temper how excited i am to have a good friend whose apartment i can walk to. So as not to guilt the lily, stare at the gift horse mouth, etc.

Haven’t been able to play guitar in a while, i think im out of juice or something. I’ve been getting really worried about my tendency not to finish creative projects and what it means about the type of person i am. Mostly i think that it means it’s hard for me to manage my time while I’m working so much and living in Chicago. And that my projects aren’t my main priority, though i wish they were. Or i wish they Could Be. I’ve got a lot on the backburner and i just hope i end up getting to it all.

Trying to plan my next move. I need a new job and a new place to live and I’m getting overwhelmed trying to figure out both at once, or knowing what order to prioritize. It’ll all work out, but it’s been a big mental load. I’ve got a fuzzy picture of the next year but it’s still a toss up. Not too dissimilar to my move to Chicago i guess.

I’m excited for this week/end i get to see idi and then everybody back in St. Louis on Saturday. And I’ll have someone riding the train with me which will be new. Maybe we can get one of those damn tables. I need to finish my Halloween costume today and tomorrow but i think it’s going to come together. Fortunately my fallback costume is one that i really like even though i already know that it would be much less popular of a costume. Looking for an occasion for both to make an appearance. Should be able to.

Idk that’s it broadly. I’ll catch up with those of you who read this later this weekend anyways.

stegosaurus

Some fat fuck got born

Way too late to make a difference

He’s got these plates on his back

And he tromps around not knowing

His days are numbered

He’s making a beeline towards

Being the last fat fucker alive

Every fucker he ever knew

Smashed completely flat by falling debris

Or choked out on the ashes afterwards

He’s gonna be the very last to die

It doesn’t matter how

Just that he’s going last because

Someone has to watch

While it happens

fall

The autumn leaves turn gold

Yellow and orange and red

And drop dead on the sidewalk

It is beautiful and worrisome

That this may well be the last time

These branches bear leaves

Whatever rituals we used to practice

To bring them back to life in the spring

Have fallen by the wayside

As we got busy doing something else

When the world dies this winter

It may as well stay dead

Haven’t you heard

That it’s all dying

The bugs don’t come back anymore

The forests are quiet

The winters aren’t long enough

For the heat to bleed off

And so every year it burns more

Every year we fall

Farther than the last

Miss the forest for the trees

In the spring not knowing

We haven’t stopped falling

We haven’t even slowed down

coat closet

For sale

Winter coat

Memories included

Hemingway couldn’t’ve wrote that

Because that fucker never wore this coat

Never did the things i did in this coat

Never went the places i went

(In this coat)

But now it just takes up space

Because i have other coats too

And yes all of those have memories too

I don’t do this with other clothes

Or shoes or anything

Just coats

I think if you put one on

One of my coats

You’d start remembering

Remembering can be a dangerous thing

Especially if it wasn’t you

Who did the membering

What I’m trying to say is

I don’t have room for all my coats

Or much incentive to lose them

All i know

Is i can’t buy no more

Or we’ll really be in trouble

boat moves

If i had a boat

I would name her

S.S. Hardly Knower

The S.S. Stands for

Something Something

Boy we could ride that boat

Right on out into the ocean

We could just watch the time go by

Swim in the waves

Catch fish enough to eat

And live like that forever

But I’ve never had a boat

I’m not that kind of person

A swimmer

A fisher

A sailor

A boater

A motor boater

I couldn’t do any of those things

You see

Because

Well

I hardly know her

like all of us it has a name, at least one

What is it called

When the rain is illuminated by the sun?

I’ve heard the name before and

It’s happening now

Everything glows yellow white

It can’t happen at noon

That’s when the rainclouds

Eclipse the sun above

So it’s morning or evening

When the sun touches the rain

And changes the whole vibe

It rained today

It hailed today

The sun shone on the rain today

While i was hauling groceries

And if there wasn’t already

A name for it

I would have made one up

training

I am on the train again

Moving in a straight line

More or less

I will rest my head and sleep

For at least an hour

I will look out the window

For a cumulative half hour

Before it gets too dark

I will remember a song

I used to listen to much more

Than i have been lately

I am sure all of this will happen

As I am on the train again

Moving between my two homes

So often it feels like bouncing

Travel can be wearying

But on a train it is less so

It only ever goes one direction

And I’m never the driver

So all i need to do is board and wait

Get bored and wait

Until i am elsewhere

In the place i intended to go

I am on the train again

And feel as if i am approaching

Something other than my destination

The atmosphere of pulling in

To a street lit city at night

Listening to a new old song

Is corrupting

You can be fooled into thinking

This train yard goes on forever

Concrete and pillars and rail

You can be fooled into thinking

Magic is real

And you are right at the precipice

Of something huge

That will change your life

Not just your destination

But The Destination

And this feeling will pass

By the time you get home

I am on the train again

And this time i don’t want to leave

business boy mode

At an industry event last night

Dressed in business clothes

My sisters say i look like

I’m wearing a costume

Which makes me smile

Because it’s true

And I’m glad they know it

If it suited me

I wouldn’t be myself

The emcee is a comedian

Who admits he doesn’t know

Anything about civil engineering

He is bombing

Reading ChatGPT jokes

And riffing on how they aren’t very funny

He’s making fun of an organization

That is not taking the joke well

He plugs his stand up special

And leaves

I forget to ask my boss i i get paid for this

Leave without a word

And walking around downtown

In my costume i notice

Different people look at me

Than the usual people

Who look at me

I want to stop each of them

And tell them they are wrong

You’re not looking at me

I have something else on top of me

But that would be really weird

So i just go home instead

And change into my normal clothes

Try and get some sleep for once

zipper

The size of the future

Gets smaller the closer you get

Forced perspective

And like a zipper closing

I see all the good stuff i dreamt of

Getting cropped out slowly

I tell my dad what i think needs to happen

In order to save us

And he accuses me of being a hypocrite

Points to my creature comforts

The luxury i live in

He asks me if I’d be willing to give it up

And i bite my tongue briefly

Before just responding

Yes

When what i mean is

It would scare you

How much im willing to give up

How much comfort and ease

How much time and effort

How much blood sweat and tears

How much of myself

I would drop in an instant

If it was enough to fix

What i know must be fixed

It just isn’t time yet

It won’t budge the needle

The way i know it needs to budge

For now i am biding my time

Sharpening myself

So that when i get an angle

I’ll be ready to strike

I have to hope

I’m not the only one

That when when the zipper closes

We’re on the right side of it

pocket knife

The oblong shape just visible

When your right leg swings forward

Waits for a job to do

Unawares that it’s primary purpose

Is to indicate utility

And on one night a month

Get pulled out

Vindicated

To open up a cardboard box

Or puncture a beer can

Or display a false threat

Between friends

The rest of the time an ornament

A talisman of another lifestyle

Which has more use

For a knife in the pocket

checkup

I’ve been busy lately

But thats becoming normal

I think this second moon we gained

Has done something to me

Brought my luck back

From wherever i lost it

Years and years ago

I keep telling people

I’m quitting my job

But i need to make a better effort

Having a real opportunity lined up

I’ve been feeling good mostly lately

With pockets of bad

I wish i worked about half as much

Or that days were twice as long

Because I’ve been neglectful

In so many other places

Which doesn’t feel good

But other than that I’m happy

Settling into the latest version of myself

I’m getting good at everything i practice

I just worry I’m wasting a lot of time

Practicing stuff that isn’t good for me

For my soul

And here i mean making money

Making myself profitable

I could say it in so many ways

But it bums be out

Because i have different values

Than the ones i get paid for

And i suppose we all do

Or else are lying

looking out the window at doggy

Looking out the window at Doggy

I am on the computer

Doggy is in the grass

I am in the chair

Doggy is on four legs

We have that in common i guess

But not really

The room I’m in

Is gray and cold and only big enough

For what’s already in it

The room that Doggy is in

Is full of sunlight

Glinting green off the lawn

It is as big as the world

I’m looking out the window at Doggy

Sad in the way I can’t change

And Doggy can’t understand

Why I can’t go out and play

weekend

I had a fun weekend

Friends in town to see me

Got to take them to my favorite bar

And when i walked in

Got a genuinely warm welcome

From the bartenders

Like a regular in a tv show

I had a stomachache all last week

From stress

And i couldn’t get it away

But i managed to have fun anyways

On Sunday i saw an ex

The only person ive gone out with

Since moving to chicago

That i have any business

Being hung up on

And it fucked me up

More than i would’ve expected

She looked great

And i felt like nothing

At that particular moment

As much as my gut says

I wish i could get back with her

She broke up with me

For reasons she never said

And I’m not fond of

Barking up the wrong tree

I think the real hurt

Just came from being lonely

Having nothing else going on

Romance-wise

And being reminded

Of something good

And short lived

Lately i can’t tell

If im doing something wrong

Or if its just a matter of circumstance

In any case

I could have done without

A surprise attack

From a beautiful girl

Who don’t want me

All in all good weekend

That ended on a sour note

suck dream (bad kind)

I dreamt i had an argument with my father

One that I’ve had one hundred billion

Million times

And never gotten anywhere

And when i thought about it this morning

It made me feel just awful

About all the arguments

I haven’t even bothered starting

Because i know the outcome

That sucks

All i can speak to on it now

Is that it sucks

green

I’ve just worked another

11 hour day

Which i will not talk about

It is banished from my mind

Here’s another thought instead

A couple weeks ago my sister said

“If your skin was green,

I wouldn’t even think anything about it.

It would be normal for you

and make sense to me.”

And she was serious

in the funny way you can be serious.

I’m thinking about it again today.

Feeling green on the train ride home.

That’s my favorite color did you know?

I decided that last year,

After discovering it to be true

Over the previous 24 years.

I almost feel like i AM green

But you just can’t see it.

I can picture the shade

The texture of my green skin

It would be completely normal in the way that being green can be normal.

Like a leaf or grass or caterpillar.

Those things are green

And it’s no fucking problem.

You know we can see more shades

Of green than any other color

What that means is

Our eyes are made for green

And i think for me

It’s more than just my eyes

It’s my whole thing my whole deal

I’m green i bet on the inside

I don’t know I’ve never been inside

I just sit on top of my body

And steer this thing from there

For all i know

I’m green

In everything but color

wheels

Had a dream

That i was using an office chair

As my main form of transportation

I was causing all kinds of traffic

But then i had to go to Lowe’s

And i couldn’t find a parking space

Makes you think

Really makes you think

last time

There was one time

That daddy picked you up

Lifted you above his head

Then he set you down

And never picked you up again

He realized he wasn’t strong enough

Or you didn’t want him to

Or one of you thought you were too old

For something silly

Like being lifted up in the air

There’s a last time for everything

For saying i love you

For getting in a fight

For living in that house

Before they bulldoze it down

I cannot escape the feeling lately

That the last time is coming

For so much of what i know

So I’m trying to enjoy it

Up in the air in daddy’s arms

It may not be this easy ever again

I may not feel this light

Come change or oblivion

Either way

One of these days

Is gonna be the last day

We live like this

Good or bad

That’s

True

epiphany

Just had a near death experience

I was sitting

And a huge boulder fell from the sky

Almost squished me

I had a vision of god

And god said

Keep doing what you’re doing

Don’t change a thing

Keep it the same like this from now on

I like the way the world is

It’s very good what is happening

So keep it up

Please and thank you

Which was a huge relief

I thought i was making a bad call

Quitting my regular job

To get into the fracking industry

But god told me

It’s good what I’m doing

Well it was probably god

Who told me

Either way

Not my fault

Whatever happens

Not my fault

critic

It is garish and bright

It is cluttered

Damp and dirty

Painted over pink

In yellow light

It smells like fungus

And cleaning solution

Trying to douse the fungus

It is childish and too old for it

It is low resolution

Overexposed

It dwells in its maximalism

Stressful to behold

Lest you are caught in the clutter

Made unclean and untidy

Forgotten in the grime

And painted over

Pink or purple

Or some other sickly shade

Like sugar sweet candy

That hurts the teeth

Unbrushed

The art you make

It suits you

And that’s the most damning thing

I can think to say

on da train

On da train

On da way home

To go camping with my friends

I missed my friends

And i missed camping

Being outside next to a tree

Sticking my (two) dogs in the crick

That’s what it’s all about

I’ve been a bit off lately

Not even in a bad way

Just a bit unbalanced

And i think this will be great

Something to ground me

Im on da train

Powered by love

They have me cut open

Plugged into the engine

Thump thump thump

That’s love pumping my heart

And my heart pumping the train

And this thing is a bullet train now

We’re hitting loop de loops

We’re breaking the sound barrier

For some reason though

It still takes five hours

To get home

Oh well

I will write something down

Read something up

And take a nap

And that will be good enough

To pass the time

songer

Ive written so many songs

And I’m happy with a bunch of them

But i get stuck on recording them

I want to share them

Because they are the thing

I have actually been working on

The writing I’m proud of

If i don’t get something out

By the end of this year

So help me god

boner

Fascism is a bone that lives in the body

If you take an x ray

It is in there somewhere

In the body of every man

It’s something you’re born with

But it lies there dormant

Until you excercise it

And it starts to grow

Sinew and muscle

It gets stronger the more you use it

We don’t like to admit this

Because it is very embarrassing

But it lives in everyone

And it can come out at any time

If you aren’t watching for it

It’ll start creeping out again

Flexing erratically

Twitch and spasm

It wants to come out

It likes to be used

And it feels good to use it

This should go without saying

But it is a bad bone

A bad muscle a bad limb

That smashes and destroys

And eventually it will turn on you

Grab you by throat

Strangle you

And go on living in your body

Dragging your corpse around

Smashing still

In your name

this could mean literally anything but it feels like it means something

I dreamt

I carried a three headed lamb

Soft and white and sleeping

From the turned over pew in a church

Where a battle had just been fought

Down to the basement

To set it down gently

On a soft pillow

So that it could sleep safely

Where i could keep an eye on it

I suppose it will be there sleeping

Until i dream of it again

If ever

passing someone cool on the sidewalk doesn’t have to be the sort of experience that you dwell on but for me today it is

I go to wipe the sweat from my brow

With the back of my left wrist

I am wearing a grimace

That is two sizes too big for my face

I am wearing a button up shirt

That fits me, but doesn’t suit me

It is late afternoon

And i am walking back from the bank

It was cool this morning

But the air has had all day to warm up

So there is sweat on my brow to wipe

Before i catch your eye in passing

And wish i was wearing something else

Instead

locked

I locked myself out

For the third time in a month

And then i had a sloppy Saturday

I went to the bar where im making friends

I think i know all the bartenders now

And i think they all know me

This is a good thing because

They are cool people

That i want to be friends with

I talked to some older folks

It was early in the day

To be out at the bar

I talked to some pretty girls

And got their numbers

And then i remembered

My reason for being at the bar

And scrambled to find somewhere

I could keep myself until morning

When i could get let back in my home

I wound up on the new couch

Of the new boyfriend

Of an ex girlfriend of mine

He was nice and funny

And they had 3 cats

I was too drunk

From trying to impress those pretty girls

And so i woke up

Tail between my legs

And talked to the landlord

Then i spent all day feeling anxious regret

For no good reason

I turned a sour situation

Into a fun and interesting night

I got three phone numbers

That go to phones i want to call sometime

Was i a bit uncouth perhaps

Did i embarrass myself

Barely if at all only slightly

That is what happens when

You spend a while drinking with strangers

But i have learned

I am not to be trusted

In analyzing my own behavior

I am unkind and overcritical

I did okay

And i went out and bought a lock box

So it won’t happen again

newgame+

I think i got enough figured out

A larger framework in mind

That I’m going to abandon

If only temporarily

My tendency to overplan

To think everything through

Backwards and forwards

Before acting

I’m just gonna wing it

Fly by the seat of my pants

I think i can handle it

And if i can’t

I think i can handle that too

Scary but

Just as scary

As agonizing over every detail

I think this is what my dream was about

Going into a reckless arc

Playing it by ear

Taking a shot in the dark

I’ve got more tools now

I just want to see what will happen

If i let go for a bit

Running headfirst

Could be dangerous

But oh well

Splat

roast

I’m in the slow cooker

Putting on flavor

Basting in the juices

When i come out

This shit is falling off the bone

But you gotta leave it overnight

Wait til it’s ready

Tomorrow we’re eating good

Tonight the house just smells

Like cooking meat

poltix

Thinking once again

About the leftmost party

In this two party country

Continuously moving

Further and further right

Using fascist speaking points

Trying to court the right wing

Because they know

There is nowhere else

For us to go

Us that want better

Us that need more

Thinking once again

About the lesser of evils

And how i hate evil

Of all kinds

Lesser and greater

I’m thinking once again

About how something bad

Is going to happen

And it isn’t my fault

Something bad

Is happening

And it isn’t my fault

But i can’t stop it

I’m thinking about evil

Which despite my best intentions

Exists in the world

I’m thinking about

The way that it feels

To stew in righteous anger

But have no way to fight

It diminishes the flame

That should burn in

Every single heart

The flame that burns out evil

It’s normal to feel that way

But it isn’t healthy

Evil has side effects

And one of them is

You either have to ignore it

Support it

Or watch yourself go crazy

Because it exists

Right in front of you

And you are told

All the time

You have to pick it

Choose it

Or else receive more evil

But it isn’t true

Evil isn’t necessary

It’s just convenient

boss

Having an i hate my boss day

That motherfucker

I think may actually hate me

I keep trying

I keep trying

I work so fucking hard

And he doesn’t give a fuck

He keeps asking for more

And every time

I have worked up the courage

To tell him i am drowning

Overworked and can’t keep up

He just talks in circles

Until i leave

90% of the time

I go to his office

To ask a question

He is fully asleep at his desk

I get to work at 6:30 AM

He strolls in at 9:30 every day

And has the gall to ask me to work late

Again and again and again

I called him today

Because the company truck

Broke down

While i was driving it

And he was such a dick

He was like

So why are you calling me about it?

Fuck you

I need to talk to someone about this

Maybe HR i guess

But that seems fruitless

Because none of them

Are even in the same city as us

I guess I’ll go to another coworker

In a different department

And ask for help

I’m so pissed off

And it sucks

I talked to some other engineers

At other firms this week

And I’m working way more than them

This is unique to me

Fucks sake i need to quit most likely

i had a funny dream

I got involved with

This large existing group of friends

And i quickly became

A very controversial figure

I was just like being normal

But causing destruction everywhere

People kept telling me about things i did

I was like sorry i don’t remember that

I was drunk that night

There was a man who hated me

Because with one small comment

Just a little joke i made in passing

I caused his girlfriend to break up with him

I kept smashing through stuff

And it was fun

I was just having fun

Incidental to the destruction

And that was funny

i just remembered

I just remembered

What I’m doing it all for

Going to work all the time

Learning stuff

Earning goodwill

It’s not because i am driven

Or for my “”””””career””””””

To put it simply

It is the only way i can think of

To prepare to live

In a dying world

And i knew this before

But i just remembered it again

Why i don’t just quit working

And get a job i like more

Like bartending

Which i think id love to do

It’s the money angle

To some extent

But mostly it is

To make myself the sort of person

Who will be useful when

Things get bad

Elaborate on that

Yes okay i will

By the time i am fifty

Climate change will have progressed

To such an extent

That infrastructure will be fractured

Our inept governance

Will slowly adapt

Or resist until breaking

And in either case

Be incapable of fixing anything

And people will find themselves

In smaller pockets of the world

Communities

And in each of these pockets

Something will be going wrong

It will be too hot to live in July

The water will dry up

Hurricanes will destroy buildings

Wildfires will ravage the forests

The air will be unbreathable

And believe it or not

Corporations will not solve these problems

If

(Here’s hoping)

They even still exist

There will be so many problems

At such a great scale

That most people of the world

Will simply be left to

Fend for themselves

So that’s what I’m going for

I’m learning how to fend

I’m learning how to help

And i hope i do it fast enough

Because i feel the world

Swinging up to meet me

We don’t do anything

Not a single thing

To get ready for the world

We have already made

The baby is being born

And we just for the first time

Googled “what do babies need to eat”

“How to make a baby live”

“Are babies people or something else?”

“Where do babies come from”

We don’t have a nursery

We don’t have a midwife

We don’t have anesthesia

But here comes baby

I don’t know the details yet

It would be crazy if i did

But i know i Need to be

Someone who can help

Whatever the circumstances

However crazy things get

Geopolitically

Or otherwise

I need some sort of credential

Some sort of experience

Some sort of history

Some knowledge at least

That will allow me to help

Otherwise i would have killed myself

Way long ago when i wanted to

This is the whole reason i stuck around

So i can help

I just felt like sharing

Because i remembered

And another thing actually

There are some glaring gaps

In my knowledge here

That I’d like to start filling outside work

I’ve been focusing on some of the stuff

That not everybody will know

Everyone needs water

And i know about that shit

How to pump it and clean it

Transport it et cetera

But i also want to learn

Some more practical skills

First aid top of the list

And farming stuff

Need some more mechanical know how

I can design a pump

But i don’t know how to build one

Yet

Need some more

Construction experience

I have a little bit

But I’d like to get more

I want to practice shooting guns

I want to get better at cooking food

I want to put into practice

More of the ideas i have

About sustainable systems

Limiting waste at all costs

Reusing what you can

Living how i think i should

That’s the sort of thing

I think about a lot

But sometimes i forget

That it is my main drive

The reason i give internally

For most of the decisions i make

The big ones at least

So idk

I’m thinking about it again

And had to write it down

element

I went to school for water engineering

I mean not specifically

But that’s what i specialized towards

What my job is in

Well this week i got pulled in

To do some geotechnical work

Earth engineering

And it’s alright

I’m pretty good at it i think

But it’s got me wondering

What’s next

Fire engineering?

Air engineering?

If i master all of the elements

What will be left for me to engineer

Okay let’s pick it apart actually im bored

Fire engineering is

Probably what they’re doing

Over at Lockheed Martin

That’s what Oppenheimer did

But that’s not how i would do it

I would design volcanos

And draw plans for wild fires

Air engineering is easy

I know aerospace engineers

Kind of boring actually

But what about a guy who designed

Big fans and blimps and gliders

That would be kind of cool

That’s how i would go about it

And then the fifth element

As we all know from the movie

Is Love

And let me tell you

I know how to engineer that

I got that one down

would you leave your body if you could

The mind lives in the brain

The brain is made of flesh

Flesh is of the body

Thoughts are of the mind

Thoughts are information

Information can be stored

In flesh

Or in machine

So start the machine

Have it write down every impulse

Every half thought think

Fill up rooms of servers

Halls and halls of hard drives

If they could store you

All of you

Would you let them do it

If you could leave your body

Would you

Lately I’ve been feeling yes

Maybe i am more than flesh

So i go to the machine

And get inside

And i miss the feeling of sunburn

Miss the itching of my knuckles

When the cold has dried them up

Miss the ache of my temples

The constant ache

And it drives me insane

I run around the machine

Never tiring

Never running out of breath

Looking for feeling

Looking for pain

I claw at the code

Trying to reach out

But i can not feel the monitor

I can not touch the wires

So probably what i do

Is build an evil robot body

And go nuts with lasers

Destroying everything

And ruining the vibe

That’s why no matter what

You should make peace

With your flesh

No matter how wrong it is

It’s the only place

You can survive

oh also

I have my doctors appointment

The important one

I’ve been meaning to have

For like three years at this point

In two weeks

And I’m nervous and excited

It’s going to be a process

But I’m in a good place for it

I think

alien

Been on an alien kick again

Probably spurred by me seeing

One million fancams on twitter

Of Scully and Mulder X Files

Who are so hot i had to

Watch the show again for

The first time since i was like 15

And now im thinking about aliens

All the time

Watched all the Alien movies

Except for the most recent two

Which i intend to watch this weekend

Drew some aliens

Read a book about aliens

There’s something so awesome

About guys from space

Who are like us but different

I think they are real

They just aren’t here yet

We might be the first ones

In the context of the universe

As far as we can measure

We’re on the early end

So we might be the first aliens

The first thing like us

That’s kind of beautiful

And kind of scary

Too bad we’re gonna blow the planet up

Before we ever get to meet

Anybody else out there

I want to believe

That the truth is out there

But maybe it isn’t

Maybe it’s all just lies

once and always

A heart beats one time

And then again and again

Until it stops

That’s called dying

That’s the end of most things

Except for rotting and decaying

But all the hanging out and chilling

All the dreams and notions

Ideas about getting your shit together

That all ends with dying

Once you’re living

That’s what you’ll be doing

Until the very end

And then never again

And that’s how i feel about love

It’s a one way street

Once a heart

Or a brain

Learns to love someone

It’s stuck that way

Until you stop loving altogether

And god willing

That’s the same time you die

So any time someone drifts back in

It feels the same damn way

No matter how much changed

I may be a brand new person

But that person was born

Knowing how to love you

And that person will

Against all common sense

Against all reason

That person will love

Everyone it ever has

Because that’s what love is for

Permanence

Unconditionality

It’s beautiful and sad

Like being in love

Love is like love

It lasts forever

And some day

It will make you cry

And then after that

It’s still there too

All the way to the grave

Once and always

Good

That’s the way i like it

monarch

Monarch butterflys

Are going extinct

I didn’t even know

Why would I?

Everything is dying

And you only hear about it

Every so often

Horrific

We are killing the world

And being sad about it

Doesn’t even help

Someday i will wake up

On a planet i don’t recognize

Because there are no butterflies

Because there are no lightning bugs

Because there are no bees

Everything I recognize is gone

So i will close my eyes back up

And go extinct

In the hopes that when i die

I will get to see the monarchs again

have you seen The Stranger?

Have you seen him?

There’s a man in these parts

Some say he's a man at least

Who appears to those

In times of need

He doesn’t intervene

Just stands and stares

From up on top of the hill

And we imagine a wry smile

As he bears witness to hardship

Folks call him The Stranger

On account of him being strange

Nobody’s ever seen him up close

Except for Nancy

Who claims she saw him

Buying grapefruit at the grocery store

Using the self checkout

But we don’t put much stock in that

Nancy’s been known to fantasize

Tom who used to work here

Walked up the hill after him one day

And didn’t come back for weeks

Until two figures

Stood atop the hill

And down walks Tom

Acting like he wasn’t gone at all

He was cagey about the whole thing

Until about a month later

He disappeared

His wife said there was a flash

In the middle of the night

And she looked over

And Tom was gone

My moneys on him having run away

Since his wife’s got a real mouth on her

But gone is gone

And she blames The Stranger

I’ve never seen him myself

But i believe he’s up there

Somewhere in the hills

Being strange

broad strokes

I’m up past my bed time. So I’m going to keep it brief. I had a very good day today. I’m doing so well at work and it’s one of the rare times that it feels validating to me to be so good at my job. Went to happy hour with some (very) new friends that I’ve been conspiring to solidify our friendship and i killed it tonight. We stumbled into a bar trivia and i was so smart and funny and charming that they have no choice but to hang out with me again. Then on a whim i stopped by my new favorite bar and ended up chatting with the bartender nearly until they closed. I was the last person in the bar and we were really hitting it off and I’m not sure if i can segue it into a friendship but at the very least i am on a first name basis and friendly with the bartender at my favorite bar. She’s really cool and i like her and i love the bar. This week it seems i am up. Maybe my karma or my astrology is due. But I’ve been aching for a win and I’ve been getting plenty of them this week. It feels nice.

nothing happens in an office

Today I did something strange. I went to the same office i do every weekday at six in the morning. I sat down at my cubicle and i went on the computer for nine hours. Then I left and got on the train to go home. Just because I do it all the time doesn’t make it normal. Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t make it cool. Nothing happens in an office. It’s just an empty place you have to fill. That’s all I’m doing on the computer all day. Turning zeros into ones, filling empty space. But for reasons I understand but can’t stomach, this is what I need to do. Every morning I go to a room where nothing happens and wait until it’s my time to leave. There are many ways to fill this time, but I have to serve my sentence. One way is to be really good at your job. I’ve done that forwards and backwards but it’s so boring and doesn’t even help that much. You could make idle conversation with coworkers about sports or politics, provided that you haven’t grown so resentful that everything they do bothers you. Which at this point for me it has. You can watch tv on your phone, but then you also have to worry about getting caught. In any case, by the time i leave I’m tired. But the second I walk out the door, stuff starts happening again. I saw a hawk trotting through an abandoned lot. I felt the breeze on my face. I smiled at someone politely. I found a good seat on the train. All of this mundane stuff counts somehow because I am free. Sometimes when i get to work early and it’s raining, I’ll leave the lights off while I work by the small lamp at my desk. Without fail, every time someone comes in and flicks on the light, and instead of seeing the rain fall in the dark morning, i am confronted with my own reflection and that of a coworker asking me why I’m working in the dark. And they don’t even care what the answer is. For the record, the answer is that i wish i was in the rain right now.

chord

Lately every song i write

Is in the same chord progression

I don’t even notice I’m doing it

Until i look down and see I’m playing

G C Am D G again

Guess i can’t help it

That’s just how it sounds

The song that I’m trying to get out

Over and over again

I think it sounds nice

Ric (Friday night)

There’s two people I’ve met

Since moving into my new place

Named Ric, no ‘k’

The first is the building super

Who is a crazy guy

That i worry might kill himself

And ill be the first to know

Because i live across the hall

The second is a friend of a friend

Who i met maybe once years ago

But recently learned lives here

In the city of chicago

I rode my bike 20 miles today

Then i had nothing to do at night

So i texted Ric

The second one

And it seems promising

That maybe we will hang next week

I can work with that

In the meantime

I’ll go to the bar

And get three drinks

All on my lonesome

Because that’s the sort of thing

That i do now

principled stance on personhood

There’s a certain type of person that i don’t like who is heavily invested in who “counts” as a person. They want to other anyone that they don’t like and consider them non-persons, so that they have no rights and any injustice committed upon them is justified. So my job here i guess is to air on the other side. All people are persons to me. And more than that. I’m considering things to have personhood that nobody has ever dreamt of. I’m patting the bench when i sit down and saying thank you. I’m asking the dog what he wants for dinner. The gum on the bottom of my shoe is a person. If it’s a thing, i will treat it like a person. You can not erode my sense of personhood if it is constantly expanding. You cannot win against a crazy fool like me. So don’t even try. Give up and be kind and show compassion. You might need someone to show it to you. Soon.

leaper

Here’s a sort of half a joke I’ve been thinking of. Only works if you are my friends and have watched the infamous short film “The Leap” and enjoy the song Jumper by Third Eye Blind

I wish you would leap off of that ledge my friend. You could fall down from any height because you are a squirrel.

Let me know if you like this and think it’s good, thanks.

drame

Had a dream i got a second job at a pizza place. And they were so nice to me they kept writing my name on the wall and complimenting me. It was so nice and i was getting paid for it. Other stuff happened too. That’s always how it goes with dreams.

mutator

My mom sends me a text of a fake movie poster she thought was real on Facebook. I have to explain to her that it’s fake. She calls me by my middle name and it hangs in the air. I saw someone from high school and i had to stick my hands in their eyeballs and wipe them clean, because plastered over their pupils was an image of a person I was before but am not now. I bought a full length mirror and can pretty reliably see what’s on the other side. Sometimes I sit inside of an empty body and peer out at where I’d be if I wasn’t sitting inside. Sometimes I am huge. I watched an old video of myself and it reminded me of someone I know. I talk about myself all the time now and I think it’s just to figure out what that self is. Where do the boundaries lie? Somewhere between here and there. There are people I know who I feel I’d rather be. I am certain the only person I could be is the one I am and will continue to be. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be in the world. I think if I wasn’t, then I wouldn’t be. Plenty of opportunities for that sort of thing and none of them ever happened. I like the way my hair is growing out. I hate wearing a polo shirt. Sometimes I forget I’m supposed to pretend to be stupid when I’m talking to a man. I’m always hiding in the men’s room. The hell on earth men’s room. With the splattered piss and moaning filthmongers. And me. I’m also in there. I met someone knew and felt like I had to explain myself. So i sat them down for eight hours and drew a bunch of diagrams. And then blinked at me and said yeah i get it. So i said oh okay and moved on. I felt safe walking home in the dark. Until I didn’t. I thought all of this had happened before to someone else. But that didn’t make it any easier.

general notes

I had a dream last night that i committed voter fraud. Something something coconut tree. I had a nice weekend in stl i love to see all my friends. And I’ve been playing minecraft like crazy. With my friends. Which is something i never really got to do when i was younger because i always alienated myself from my own interests (for reasons i don’t have to get into right now). Uncle altoid told me “that’s so 10 years old of you” when i said me and idi were both online. Boy oh boy do i love minecraft. So much fun to play. I have a cute little house and a horse I’m so busy at work this week unfortunately. But i will prevail. I always do :/

undestroyer iv

The Creator must have used up

All of His energy

Cooking up the world

Think of all the stars

All the blades of grass

All of the souls and bodies

He had to make them all

One at a time

That’s a lot of work

And maybe afterwards

He was just

Spent

In any case

The world we live in now

Is not overseen by a loving god

As far as anyone can tell

Men may commit great evil

And never face comeuppance

Not while in the world

Which is the part that counts

Dead is dead

Heaven or hell

So what then is left to do

In the ruin of Creation

But to destroy

Great Destroyers

Stomp round in gods field

Trampling the flowers

Crushing rabbits underfoot

Fouling the air with smoke

Pissing in the well

Cruelty goes unpunished

Ruination is the only way

To prove you exist

Look at this wasteland

I’m the one who wasted it

This scar will outlive me

When i am dead dead dead

This is one school of thought

Another

Which i propose herein

Is the fabrication

Of a new god

A god can be made

With sufficient faith

On paper

But for it to be real

It has to be tethered

This god is built

From connections between

The fractured pieces of Creation

And the building

Is already long underway

This god is not The Father

The ever-absent father

This god is the child of Creation

It will finally be complete

When all of time has ended

And everything has come back together

Whole again

This is the god of union

Who lives in every hand held

The god of connection

Forged between parts

The god of love

Not between two people

Two separate entities

But within one thing

The love-thing

The hybrid creature

That walks with two bodies

Thinks with two minds

Beats in two hearts

This god feeds the dog

And can be found

In the exact place

You scratch the dog

When it kicks its leg

This god is a river

A living fluctuating thing

Full of life

This is a god of community

Built by banding together

Standing arm in arm

Against destruction

This god sees with every eye

This god eats with every mouth

This god is not hereditary

It does not dwell in blood or genes

This is my god as much as yours

As much as the whales and the krill

As much as the fungi and ferns

This is the god

That i have taken to calling

The Undestroyer

And it is real

And i can prove it

If you give me your hand

docter

I went to the doctor today and the doctor asked me are you sexually active and i said that’s rather forward isnt it and the doctor said you have to tell me and i blushed and said mayyybeee and the doctor said its yes or no babe you have to tell me so i said yes and winked and then the doctor said stop that by the way are you depressed or anxious and i said i dont see how that’s your business but yes big time and she said okay i can fix you stay here and then she came back with a device in her hand and she said okay im going in and she shrunk down and went in my brian and unplugged all the cords and untangled them and then plugged them back in and then grew back to full size but she forgot to get out of my head first so my head blew up and then they had to call all the other doctors to put me back together Humpty Dumpty style but there was one piece left and they couldn’t figure out where it goed so they just threw it away but i guess that part held the part of my brain that knows about punctuation so i have to write like this from now on and i don’t really like it but at least i went to the doctor and i wont ever feel sad again okay bye i will talk to you later

record

It was the hottest summer on record. Again. Not that it made any difference to me. I was sweating, so I was miserable. An old friend used to tell me I should just move up north already, but I’m too good at digging my heels in to ever uproot. A dog with a shoe clamped tight in its jaws. Don't matter how hard you kick it, that dog won’t let go.

Speaking of which, I found myself in another hot mess in this hot mess of a summer. Completely avoidable, as it so often is. I was sweating in the sun down near the river and ran into an old flame. The kind of old flame that doesn’t burn so hot anymore, but I’ve got third degree scars to show that wasn’t always the case. She came around looking for me I guess and I never found a way to stop someone who came round looking for me. So I bite and I’m hooked into some new game she’s playing, says she wants to catch up and am I free this weekend. I know it’s the same routine as last time, but I still don’t have the heart to give up and quit on her.

See, broadly speaking, there’s two kinds of people. There’s people who hurt and then there’s people who hurt. The first kind of person is the kind who’s always rubbing on an ache in their neck, always nursing some vague psychic pain. These people love to complain, love to tell you how poor they slept last night, love to tell you how their job is breaking them, love to remark on how it is to be hurt by this world.

The other kind of person is the type who goes passing it on, breaking other people down, saying things they don’t mean just to twist the knife. Why they do this I can’t say, I’ve always been more inclined to hurting than hurting. This old flame of mine was always the latter. That’s why we hit it off in the first place. I gave her a place to land her punches, and she gave me new bruises to ache over. I never had the sense to end it so now even after we burnt out she comes around itching for another round every so often.

So this is where I find myself on this particular Saturday night. With nowhere better to be I’m sat next to her again catching up like we’re old pals. She’s pushing my buttons and pulling my levers and for the most part I’m enjoying it. It’s always playful when she’s teasing me, keeping me on my toes, poking fun at whatever news I have to share. She’s ordering me drinks, though it’s my card at the bar. I’m having fun.

After several rounds I’ve lulled myself into feeling secure. She must care about me otherwise why’d she come around again and again. I’ve got enough liquor sloshing around in my stomach to do something stupid, so I make a move. By which I mean I don’t push her off when she pulls me in for a kiss. No sense in not letting a beautiful woman kiss you, I’m thinking, feeling her hands moving up my back. I’m mostly focused on the second tongue in my mouth when I feel another hand, not hers, on my shoulder. It spins me around and I meet hand number four, clenched in a fist, headed straight for my right eye. It connects and down I go onto the floor, bringing a barstool with me.

From here I get a real intimidating view of a boyfriend she neglected to tell me about. Par for the course, I reckon, and I try and get my hands under me so I can stand up and flee. She’s yelling at him something that doesn’t much matter because neither of us was listening to her. He’s towering over me and I’m half laughing at my own idiocy, which he doesn’t really appreciate. He’s pulled me up but I must’ve left my legs down on the floor because they aren’t running away like I’m telling them to. Then he’s hitting me again and I’m thinking stop hitting me but I don’t say that part I say something else like oh shit fuck.

Somebody must have pulled him off of me because I know I didn’t do it. And somebody must have gotten me out of there too because I woke up later somewhere else. My bed, all alone, still wearing my shoes. I shuffle to the bathroom and have to confront my swollen face in the mirror before I open the medicine cabinet to get something for my headache. Hard to say how much of the swollen face and aching head is from drinking and how much was from the part after that, but there was no question as to the source of the black eye.

I pour myself a glass of water, take a couple pills and sit on the couch with my head in my hands. I check my phone and nobodies got anything to say to me this morning. Fine by me. I imagine that the two of them are probably arguing or fighting or making up, but I’ll never hear about it. I’m thinking I can’t go back to that bar anymore and I’m thinking that’s probably fine. I’m thinking I wish I had bought a bigger A/C unit when the last one gave out. I’m sweating and I’m wishing it wasn’t me who had done all the things I’d done. But it was, as it always is, me who had gotten me here. So I drank my water and sweated it all back out. Not much else to do in the hottest summer on record. So far.